This One Time, At Band Camp...

1. Filmed in HunterSThompsonVision.

2. "I get this kilo past customs, the Mexican white slavers set free mom, and life is good."

3. "This one time, at Distorted Peripheral Vision Camp and Jogging Suit Camp..."

4. The Time Traveler from the year 2500 emerges in 2006, and confirms that 70's sci-fi movies totally nailed futuristic fashion trends.

5. "And this one time, at band camp, I caused a distortion in the space-time continuum, and it was really funny."

6. "I love it when Whitney Houston bakes brownies for the band bus."

7. Unfortunately, 97% of the Caption This! readership was so hungover, the picture looked completely normal to them.

8. "That gawdamm cat better stay out of my Smirnoff while I'm gone."


Best of Passionate Conservative
I just know I'm gonna nail that lead in the next Star Trek series!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Sir! Romulan... jogger... decloaking!"

Nancy hoped to smuggle the singularity past the checkpoint, but the curving space-time gave her away... Amateur.
I never thought a photograph could capture what I feel when taking cold medicine.

Green Power Ranger is sent packing..."I can't believe I forgot the f-ing helmet!"

Tanya Harding: Drug Mule

Best of Submariner
Unfortunatley, Stephanie didn't heed the warning and was standing in the middle of the airport terminal when the past caught up to them and fused with Regis Philbin...

"What's in the case? Nothin special; just a Venus butterfly I use to relax before flying. That's why I'm still sort of vibrating..."

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now! Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!

Five Personality Quirks

Quirk Number 1 --- I have a weird aversion to completing tasks. If I'm loading dishes, I'll leave out like one spoon. If I'm cleaning a room, I'll finish everything, but leave one sock on the floor. I have no idea why this is.

Quirk Number 2 --- People assume that since I collect sports photos, I have an athletic gear fetish. That's not true. My actual fetish is for camouflage hunting gear. I TiVo American Sportsman for the same reason that Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter TiVo Sesame Street.

Quier Number 3 --- When using self-checkout, I always pick the Spanish voice, because it's much sexier than the English voice.

Quirk Number 4 --- I figure God only picks people to win the lottery who are going to entertaining for Him, like that guy in West Virginia who was going to give the money to his church, but instead spent it all on strippers and ho's. So, if I ever win a big lottery jackpot, I'm going to give a million dollars to each of my brothers. The way I figure it, there's nothing that could give God more entertainment value than eight rednecks with a million dollars each.

Quirk Number 5 --- I'll think of something later.

Chad, at Cake or death, tagged me to do the Five personality quirks deal. I tag lawhawk, sonic frog, Prough, Jonathon Leffingwell, and Mr. Right. (I would have tagged Leather Penguin, but he probably would think this is all bullsh*t.)

Hey, Cats, Happy New Year!

1. What you're thinking: "Great New Year's Eve Party." What your cat is thinking: "What are all these people doing in my bathroom?"

2. "Sure. baby, I'm safe to drive," said Ted Kennedy's cat with a wink.

3. "Damn! The last time I got this drunk, I woke up married to Billy Bob Thornton."

4. Dawn stormed from the party after Whiskers got drunk and told some offensive jokes about Siameses.

5. "Bring me some slippers, I need to throw up."

6. "See, honey. Through the magic of taxidermy, Whiskers will always be with us. And, he makes a handy bottle opener."

7. "I'd leave him alone. The last guy who tried to grab his Smirnoff got his arm clawed to bloody shred."

8. "Yeah, ain't I cuter than Hell? I just do this to make you forget I tricked the dog into drinking anti-freeze."

9. And all this time, I thought pussies only drank Zima.

10. Bill the Cat's alcoholism began in childhood.

Sorry For The Gay Cowboys, Here's Bin Laden's Niece Again

1. She would soon learn why trying to seduce the tooth fairy was a complete waste of time.

2. "Now, why would my cowboy husband need to run out for pudding at 3:00 a.m.?"

3. ... Then the cheap clock radio flipped to 6:00 a.m. and began playing "I Got You Babe?" and Osama's niece woke up to face Groundhog Day again.

4. "Dear Penthouse, I am the writer of a modestly successful captioning weblog, and I never thought this would happen to me..."

5. "She's perfect!" Jake Gyllenhall gushed. "That's just exactly what I want to look like."

6. Hollywood did okay with its gay cowboy movie, but Howard Stern's movie about hot strippers coming to terms with their same-sex attractions outgrossed Titanic.

7. Throw in Angelina Jolie and some melted cheese, and you got yourself a fromage a trois.

8. You wouldn't kick that out of bed for eating crackers. Hell, she could yodel in her sleep and you wouldn't care.

Best of Rodney Dill
Looking for Mr. Good-Akbar

Best of jeff
Dear Ann Coulter, I beg to report that I have discovered the legs used by Time Magazine for their cover story on you....

Best of Van Helsing
A moment later, Osama's niece demonstrated why you should never wear spike heels on a waterbed.

Best of Divine Miss M
It would be most dishonorable for a Klingon woman to even consider smiling in the presence of a warrior.

Best of sonicfrog
...and if you want her to bad? She'll be REAL bad. Trust me. It's in her genes...

Best of Robert
Just as he undressed, she pulled the pin on her suicide bomber feather boa.

Best of Submariner
Mid-east cuisine tip: Falafel tacos.

OK, One More Whack at the Pudding Boys

(I thought I was through with these guys, but it's been a very slow week for finding captionable material, and also, I kind of snickered when I read the original Reuters caption: (Brokeback Mountain) is playing well in limited release and opens wide in the new year.

1. "Uh, guys, this contest to see who's longer has been going on for two hours. Stop staring and get back in the truck."

2. "Hey, what do you say after we get done sodomizing each other, we drive over to Old Navy and do some massive shoplifting ... you know, just to defy the stereotype?"

3. "I Wanna Be a Cowboy/And you can be my cowgirl..." (ORA)

4. "Guys, when we agreed to the swap, this isn't what we had in mind. Guys... guys?"

5. "Jolene's a nice girl and all but she just doesn't understand my needs... like my need to be anally fisted."

6. "Well, Jake, I guess you now know the real reason the Cartwright brothers are nicknamed 'Hoss' and 'Little Joe.'"

7. "Can I borrow your lasso? This weekend, I'm lip-synching 'It's Rainin' Men' dressed like Wonder Woman at the Blue Oyster Bar."

8. "Nothing like riding a stallion to make you feel like a man." "But, honey, your horse is a mare."

9. "When you played cowboys and indians as a kid, did the indians tie you up, slather your naked body with Crisco, and make you sing for them?"

10. "What's the big deal, Jolene. Lots of cowboys decorate their bunkhouses with posters of cowboys." "Yes, but by Tom of Finland?"

Best of Rodney Dill
"We're just one Caballeros short."

"No we can't invite the Goat Sex guy, ya should already know that Cattlemen and Sheepherders don't mix."

"Ever help a real cowboy take off his boots, boy?"

Best of Rufus Leaking
It all started with "Lets play cowboys and 'Native Americans'" Now this!

Best of Skizz
Maybe we can invite our Indian companion friend --- Indian Companion --- and we can play "Cowboys and Indians".. except this time with a full bottle of Canola oil.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"I dunno, man. Ever since I saw you in that there Marine movie in nothin' but that Santa hat, I've kinda had a thing fer ya."

Best of Vonski
No, Billy Ray, that's not the target for your love missile, it's the ring made from where I keep my can of Skoal!

No, it's your turn to play Laura Ingalls Wilder and my turn to play Manley, you bitch!

"Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at howdy."

Best of catbat
"what's that, gals? you're lookin' for wrestlers for your naked cowboy traveling cage match association? yee-haw!"

Best of Robert
Care for a Cowpoke?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Regis Philbin." "Dick Clark." "Regis Philbin!" "DICK CLARK!" (The argument escalated until they exchanged blows - V)

"I dunno, I have feelin's for ya 'n all, but I can't get the image of that hot, Romulan, Santa's helper out of my mind!"

"...and so the doctor says, 'Rectum?... Darn near KILLED 'im!'... heh heh heh... (sigh) ... Somehow, it's not as funny after what we did last night."

Best of Submariner
Jake - "Ginger or Maryanne?"
Heath - "The Professor."
Jake - "Yeah, me too."

(AP Photo/Focus Features, Kimberly French)

P.S. I can also recommend this parody: Bareback Mountain

OBL's Niece, Not So Into the Burqa

1. "Naked Chicks Akhbar!

2. His niece is doing OK for herself, but the best Osama's nephew could do was night clerk at a 7-11.*

3. Add if you add water, Smelly Pirate Hooker makes her own gravy.

4. To find out where Wafah has hidden the soap, enter your credit card number now.

5. "Whoever said diamonds are a girls best friend never had 22psi of water pressure."

6. "Uncle Osama never let me bathe. He said the proper way for a Muslim girl to bathe was for her uncle to lick her clean with his tongue."

7. The bathwater was later sold on eBay for $29.99 a pint.

8. "Time Out! Rubber Ducky's beak is stuck again!"

9. "The advantage of the champagne bath is that you get drunk and clean, that's one better than Osama on any given day!"

10. "And then the kid said, ''Ello! My name is Simon. I like to do drawrings!' It got a little weird after that." (ORA)

Best of Rufus Leaking
Wafah said, "Both Osama and I shaved our beards!"

Wafah unfamiliar with a bathtub, could not figure out why this was so uncomfortable. Later, she found the directions, and found that she was in it sideways.

Where is my left hand? Why do you think it's not polite to pass food with your left hand?

Best of Submariner
Don't worry Uncle, I'll be out in time to light the menorah...

Don't I have pretty mouth? But trust me, I don't "squeal like a pig" or I'd a been honor killed long ago.

Best of Rodney Dill
1:48... 1:49... 1:50 ....Man, Rodney Dill can hold his breath a long time... 1:55

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Great, and after I'm done boinking her, I'll track down Hitler's piece-of-ass cousin.

Is "Wafah" her name, or the sound Al Pacino makes when he sees her nekid?

Hey, where's that left hand, missy?... Wafah drop the luffah?

Her eye's say so much... Mostly "Hey homo, why are you captioning those sheepherding rump-rangers above instead of a nekkid woman in a bathtub?"

Hey, now there's TWO Bin Ladens I want to shoot a missile into!

Best of Van Helsing
Wafah can blow bathtub bubbles with the best. When they burst, they release a delicious aroma of recycled falafel.


* Mornin', Dawn

(Jeff Riedel/GQ Magazine/Handout/Reuters)

Smelly Pirate Hookers, Ahoy!

1. I want to say "Me Love You Long Time," but that would be milking a stereotype for the sake of humor. Oh, wait, they're not African-American women.

2. "Me love you long time."

3. "Dammit, Ming Lee, I thought you said this cowboy and wrestler bar would be a great place to pick up men."

4. Santa should have known that any guy who asked for four Tia Carrera clones would turn out to be on the naughty list.

5. While the other hookers lamented a slow night, Ming Lee managed to sell a handjob to a Being of Pure Light and Energy from the Green Dimension.

6. Georges Seurat's Apres-Midi avec Smelly Pirate Hookers.

7. "Then, my customer asked for a 69, so I gave him Mongolian beef and broccoli."

8. Four Thai prostitutes ponder the question, "If you're at a tsunami relief concert, and people start doing the wave, is that in bad taste?"

9. "So, if Lorentzian spacetime contains a compact region Ω, and if the topology of Ω is of the form Ω ~ R x Σ, where Σ is a three-manifold of nontrivial topology, then ... hold on a second, Hey, soldier boy, you want to party? Me love you long time? No? OK... anyway, as I was saying, if all hypersurfaces Σ are all spacelike, then the region Ω contains a quasipermanent intra-universe wormhole.

10. "On second thought, let's not form an all-girl grunge band. That's just too 1994."

Best of Rodney Dill
Jinger Bears

Best of Submariner
"Seared. Seared into my memory... Those are words I've heard used regarding the pain when you take a leak after coming back with a little something extra following a visit to Bangkok...

Despite the visual clues, there are still some that wonder how Phuket, Thailand got its reputation as an adult version of Disneyland...

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"You right, Ming. Chuck-E-Cheese not same since Navy close down shipyard."

"Could be worse...Could be brack radies at mall. American-Joes can be ruthress with racial stereotypes."

Best of Rufus Leaking
Only one of them was BORN female - can you tell?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"I've only got two and a half bucks here... Could you love me short time?"

Ming knew she shouldn't have opened the repo-man's trunk.

Where the marketing guys came up with the "Capital One" slogan.

They made Ming angry... they won't like her when she's angry.

When George Takei says "sometimes, I like to relax with the ladies", he means it literally... That's him on the right.

Inspired by Son Of The Godfather
Akira Kurisawa presents Showgirls.

Best of Divine Miss M
I get my kicks above the waistline, Sunshine!

Sudden Impact

1. "Into the Mud! Scum Queen!"

2. And then, in front of 79,000 screaming fans, the victim's heart was held up as a tribute to Quetzalcoatl to give thanks for a winning season.

3. Jackie Chan claims to do all his own stunts, but this screencap from "Rush Hour 3" looks like a stunt double to me.

4. "A bet's a bet. Now, let's take you to the locker room and get you lubed up."

5. "Unh-unh-unh, no Rapture for you. You can stay left behind and burn with the rest of us, Jesus-boy."

6. Then, Tommy Maddox spiked Pauly Shore in the crotch, and it was the best Christmas ever!

7. The first Superbowl in Outer Space was plagued by failures in the gravity generators.

8. Gesundheit!

9. "When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of being felt-up by a hunky NFL linebacker."

10. "Make a wish!"

Best of Rodney Dill
Wouldn't we all like to do this to eminem.

Best of Van Helsing
There are easier ways to get authentic NFL gear than pretending to be a football.

Best of Submariner
After making the miraculous catch and saving the life of fan who had fallen from the upper deck, #92 stood up, spiked him and was flagged 15 yards for excessive celebration.

Best of Submariner
Thankfully, Pittsburgh now employs armored CHUD defenders.

And I say "Dick York" was the better Darren, d*mmit!

Best of Prough91
I told you, no red socks with brown pants!!!



AssPress Photo/Tony Dejak

The Day After Yesterday

1. "You're right, Berenice. I never did grasp the irony of a smelly pirate hooker shopping at Old Navy until now."

2. "You're right. With sales like these, who needs groceries."

3. "Those bastards charged me $500 for a cookie recipe! You better believe I'm e-mailing it to everybody on the web!"

4. "Well, enjoy your bags of capital oppression, counter-revolutonary stooge!" Tawanda had been no fun to shop with ever since she began working for the New York transit workers union.

5. "And then his momma said, 'Taye, you watch these bags for me while I'm in the ladies room.' Little thing couldn't been more than eight. So, I dropped him, grabbed the bags and, well, here I am."

6. "You know, I hope the next time the Pistons go all the way, I'm closer to some place better than Old Navy."

7. "That ain't no soda pop, that's a hard liquor." "Mmm-hmmm, that's my LeRoy." (OJA: Old Joke Advisory)

8. "No baby, my credit card was already maxed in November. But me and the manager at Old Navy 'worked things out.' By which I mean I exchanged oral sex for merchandise."

9. "The shoplifting is one thing, but, girl, going back and getting the stuff gift-wrapped? You got balls!"

10. You thought I was joking about Tawanda being a communist, but peep the big red star on her shopping bag.

Best of Rodney Dill
The gals reminisce about the good ol' Tailhook days.

Best of Anonymous
Hi, I'm Cindy Sheehan and my son is dead. You?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"So this stupid-ass white kid cuts in front of me in line to ask if they have any sales on kilts..."

Best of Submariner
D*mn! Lola. How long did you spend in the tanning bed?




AssPress Photo/Jose F. Moreno

Merry Christmas

1. "We're satanists now! Blood Orgy! Blood Orgy!"

2. "Yeah, gramps, good to see you, whatever. All I know is, there better be a gawdamm PSP under the tree or I know some grown-ups who are gonna be spending a happy farkin' holiday with He Who Walks Behind the Corn."

3. "Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, a smelly pirate hooker gets the clap."

4. "It's a Wonderful life? Prove it!"

5. "Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Triple XXX Theater with glory holes in the men's room."

6. "I wouldn't be lighting any Advent candles around grandpa. I can smell the JD on his breath from here."

7. "Well, screw you intolerant hicks. I'm moving to Fire Island."

8. And then the family gathered around grandpa to hear the traditional belching of 'Silent Night.'

9. "Aw, you children look so happy. Too bad this will be the last Christmas ever because Santa died."

10. "Hey, do the rest of you see the singing and dancing turd in the toilet bowl, or am I still tripping?"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
The Baileys gather 'round while Uncle Billy tries to explain how he lost the deposit and drove Daddy to the brink of suicide. Moments later, Zuzu gnashes his testicles into hamburge while Janie plays "Hark!, The Herald Angels Sing" on the piano.

Best of Van Helsing
"Every time you hear a bell, a zombie drags a soul to hell."

Best of Rodney Dill
"Don't worry we'll get all the money back I invested it in Enron Stock"

For some obscure reason, Uncle Billy's recitation of the Theory of Relativity did not make the final cut.

Kid at Bottom: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up eating crayons."

Best of bubbalove
Look Daddy, teacher says every time a bell rings, a Democrat goes to burn in hell.

Best of Cybrludite
Sing along everyone!

"O Yog Sothoth, O Yog Sothoth,
We worship you, O Yog Sothoth.
Who's Santa Claus, who's Jesus Christ?
We worship Yog 'cause he's not nice.

We'll celebrate with some stray dog,
Which we'll carve up and serve to Yog.
O Yog Sothoth, O Yog Sothoth...
We beg you, do not eat us."

(Lyrics from www.tomsmithonline.com)

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Festivities halted abruptly when Mr.Potter's bloodied body was discovered in the bank vault and George Bailey was booked on murder charges.

"Now we mustn't reference 'angels', dear ZuZu, as that implies a belief system which may offend our Bedford Falls Chapter of the ACLU."

Where the hell's my flux capacitor? The Delorean only has room for 1, maybe 2 passengers.

Best of Submariner
Things livened up when Uncle Billy announced, "Violet's still got it, and I gave it to her again last night for a fin!"

"Stand back while I whip this out..."

Twas the Perverted Capfest Before Christmas

1. Howard Hughes angrily demands that the youth return his urine jars.

2. Everyone agreed Helen Thomas looked smashing in her new top hat.

3. Wouldn't Scrooge have been a much cooler movie if Ebeneezer had been a giant ape who terrorized the city? What do you mean, 'No?'

4. "Tiny Tim! Get your ass back in front of that webcam right now! We've got 600 subscribers to CrippedKinkCamboi-dot-com who paid good money to see you naked with a Black Lab!"

5. But when he pulled it, there was nothing but a puff of dust and a scent of weak gruel.

6. "Every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart." Suddenly, the police had an unexpected clue to that spree of bizarre prostitute murders in Yorkshire.

7. "Get out of here boy! There's only enough room on this handcart for me and my three wives to get to Salt Lake City."

8. "You swapped my 92 Geo Metro for this wagon? Damn, Tiny Tim, you're a better negotiator than I thought!"

9. "Take my hand/Take my whole life,too/But I can't help/Falling in love with you..."

Best of Kevin Walker
"Tiny Tim! I am in need of a smelly pirate hooker! Fetch me one this instand, biatch!"

"All right! Who took my collection of vaguely homoerotic football and wrestling pictures? Was it you, Tiny Tim?"

Best of lawhawk
Release the hounds...

You.. yes you behind the bandstand... stand still with it.. How can you have any pudding and still eat your meat?

Best of bubbalove
"I say, Mum! It's 'arry Reid! What the bloody 'ell is 'e doin' 'ere?!" "SHUTUP YOU WORTHLESS URCHIN! BAAAAH!"

Best of Cybrludite
And now, Young Jedi, you will die!

Best of Prough91
You've got to be this tall to ride Scrooge.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Gary Glitter makes his selection in this photo from Reuters, Cambodia.

Best of Submariner
Quentin Tarrantino's Tiny-Tim finale was oddly reminiscent of Gallagher's "Sledge-o-matic" routine...

Back when Jake and I were young we had a "Christmas Pudding" together worth remembering!

Joan Rivers finally reached the point where she could not have another lift.

The Gears of the Bushitler Military Death Machine Are Oiled with the Blood of Innocents

1. "All right, let's get her back in that cage before she chews somebody's face off."

2. "Kali-ma! Kali-m-a-a-a-a!" (ORA?)

3. Travelocity's Roaming Gnome is beaten up and robbed in a McDonald's Playland not far from Fort Bragg.

4. "Now, wrap her up good before you put her too bed. I don't want to have to explain a bunch of rat bites to another social worker."

5. "Stop playing with her. We have to get it wrapped and shipped out to Rosie O'Donnell's house by FedEx."

6. In the director's cut, Cindy Lou Who stabs the Grinch in the neck with scissors, skins him, makes a nice coat of his hide, then goes and hangs out with 101st Airborne.

7. And just when Billy couldn't imagine how Christmas could get any better, they smeared peanut butter on his pee pee and held him over the fence at the petting zoo.

8. "Oh, yeah, feel those ripe, healthy, young kidneys. Call Dr. Rostov and let him know we can make the deliver as soon as we see 100 Large in the Zurich account."

9. "All right, when you're done playing, put her back in the crate. But, for God's sake, don't forget to punch airholes thise time."

10. "The reporter from Reuters says they'll run the photo worldwide, but only if you reach *into* the kid's pants."

Best of Jeff
Janie, I warned you not to get attached to it, now give it to me so I can get it butchered and roasted in time for the party...

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Yes, Major Mancheck...very curious indeed. This child's frozen completely solid."

Best of Robert
The military receives worldwide condemnation for it's inhumane tickle interrogation techniques.

Best of Van Helsing
"You distract him with the bottle, I'll get his wallet."

Best of bubbalove
'Indiana Jones and the Romper Room of Doom!'

"Kali-moo! Kali-m-o-o-o-o..AACK!!" The coven captain realized he needed to go back and brush up on the actual pronunciation of the spell when a big, stinky pile of squishy brown surprise jumped out of the kids pants and into his hand.

Best of Prough91

Fairly used off the FoxNews website.

Welcome to Up-Kilt Camera Dot Com

1. Gary's friends agreed. They were glad he got in, they just wish he hadn't come out.

2. Gary was so anal-retentive, he actually labeled separate couches for Bears and Twinks in advance of his Brokeback Mountain watching party.

3. Another sign you paid too much to access that teen babe's webcam site.

4. "Can't accessorize for sh!t? I'll show those gawddamm Heathers who can accessorize for sh!t."

5. He wasn't suspended for honoring his Scotch heritage. He was suspended for slugging the vice principal when he said, "Would it have kilt you to put on some pants?"

6. "Now start dancin', boy. That volcano god ain't gonna appease himself."

7. "No offense, Congressman Frank, but what does my ability to 'do a little turn on the catwalk' have to do with my responsibilities as a Congressional page?"

8. "I don't care how purty my mouth is, I'm not squealing for you!"

9. "Wow, Brittany's giving out T-Shirts to the guys who score with her? What a class act!"

10. The kilt was from Grandma for honoring his Scotch heritage. The T-Shirt was from his girlfriend, for finally overcoming his Premature Ejaculation problem.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Yet another in a string of reasons why his friends nicknamed him "WTF? Billy".

Fed up with rejection, Nathan accepts his most recent offer for a prom date... from Nathan.

Yup, that pretty much ruins the Marilyn Monroe "wind-up-skirt" memory for me.

Just tell your parents you were booted from prom due to your confused sexuality. They'll understand.

Best of Van Helsing
After learning he doesn't wear underwear, his grandma's not sure she wants her shawl back.

Best of Rufus Leaking
Gary asked, "Do you know the definition of a gentleman? It's a guy who knows how to play the bag pipes, and doesn't."

"Gary was asked, "Is there anything worn under the kilt?" and he replied, "Nope, everything is in fine condition and working order."

Best of Submariner
So Gary says "Kilt? No, only wounded!" hahahahahahaha I slay me.

Even though curling is my sport, I pitch, not catch, so I can't be gay. Wanna go to my room and listen to Streisand?

Well, they wouldn't let me wear my leather hood and ball-gag; what else was I going to put on?

Best of Rodney Dill
Alright put THIS one in a straight jacket, then count me in.

Best of Divine Miss M
"For the love of Christ, Axl, PLEASE stop dressing like your own worst imitator!"

Best of Frank IBC
This is not a caption, but the way he points his left leg out, like a model, is kinda cute.

Best of Cybrludite
Sneakers & a lame t-shirt with a kilt? What a putz! You're supposed to wear a kilt with either a tux top & dress shoes, or a death-metal band t-shirt & Doc Martins.

P.S. Go to this poll and vote for Sondra K. Thanks.

From WTOP radio on a tip from Frank IBC.

Not-Safe-For-Work Thursday Continues

1. 'Ow to speak Awstralian: Vulnerable.

2. Um, V, the entire CapThis audience has been meaning to ask. Do you have issues with women, by any chance?

3. Ian Faith sighed. He was not looking forward to explaining to Spinal Tap why the new album cover was not acceptable.

4. The Kennedy Compound accepts a delivery.

5. Larry King's Lost and Found.

6. Q: Is it really appropriate for her to get married in that? A: She's entitled, she's a virgin.

7. Ellen DeGeneres could hardly wait to unwrap Portia's Christmas present.

8. "Hey, if we don't keep her in that straightjacket, she'll start eating everything in sight and painting with her breasts."

9. Jeremy's dad surveyed his handiwork. "If this doesn't snap that kid out of his 'wrestler piggyback' fetish, nothing will."

10. In the olden days, the Rolling Stones had to restrain groupies to keep them from mauling the band. Nowadays, the Rolling Stones have to restrain groupies to keep them from bolting before the Vi@gr@ kicks in.

Best of Lawhawk
Hugh Hefner dreams of how to keep the Playmates occupied...

Best of Prough91
Remind me again, why did Quiet Riot put a mask on her?

Where'd you get my honeymoon pictures?

If all the psychos looked like that I would have stayed in the hospital.

Best of Rodney Dill
Ted Kennedy, Howard Dean, and Harry Reid simultaneously decided that the new rumors of Abu Ghraib abuses were going require their own personal, hands-on approach.

Best of catbat
Bondage gear in white? freaky fashion faux pas.

Best of Cybrludite
For some reason, this reminds me of most of my ex-girlfriends. The needing a straight-jacket & padded room bit, not the hot blonde or the gratuitous nudity...

Best of Submariner
Puh-lease! I NEED to "touch myself!"

Add a ball-gag and it would be "Hillary Clinton's Dreams for $1000," Alex.

Pretty much the way I pictured Heather Locklear IF the Melrose Place boys had ever grew a set...

Best of sonicfrog
It'll take more than a straightjacket to stop this Sex-bot.

Damn It! I swear to you I'm not crazy! Moby IS straight! I'm telling you I f**ked him! He's a F**king stallion. I've got the pictures! Oh God! Why won't anyone listen to me!!!

Blame Sondrak for putting out such irresistibly captionable material.

Ho Ho Ho Indeed

1. The real reason Santa keeps a list of bad girls.

2. It starts when you cut class to hang out in the hall with a couple of guys who promise you candy. It ends here.

3. I can't remember if this is from Miracle on 69 Street or Twas the Boink Before Christmas.

4. Santa then lifted up his belt to reveal the strategically placed mistletoe.

5. Billy really wanted that Xbox 360, and he knew that leaving out cookies and milk just wasn't going to cut it.

6. "Me love yule long time."

7. Vacationing in Vegas, Mrs. Claus works the slots and Mr. Claus works the sluts.

8. "Yeah, young chicks go nuts for old men who bring them lots of gifts. I taught Hef everything he knows."

9. "She must be really vulnerable after breaking up with that doofus Kevin Federline, Santa thought. "I am so going to score."

10. "Aw, these two hitch-hikers are really sweet," Santa thought. "Too bad neither of them is going to live to see the new year."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Gives new meaning to the term "stocking stuffer".

They give me jingle balls.

The blonde hair says "California nymphette", while the black eyebrows scream "Romulan spy".

Best of Submariner
I need a Lord of the Rings geek to tell me how to say "menage-a-trois" in elvish...

You can trust Santa: it ain't gonna be a silent night!

When I eat Peppermint and Patty, I get a sensation...

Best of AlphaMu42
Bad little boys get a lump of coal. Good little boys get a new toy train. Little boys who hack Santa's personal computer and find incriminating photos of Santa & Hermie... They get whatever the hell they want.

Best of lawhawk
Ah the Tannenbaum twins. I knew them well.

Best of Prough91
Damn, I wish I'd been better this year.

ROTO-REUTERS/Kim Kyung-Hoon

No Caption, Just This

Apparently, this zoo in Colorado has a very, um, progressive Christmas light display.

Kids in the Hall

1. "Hey, what makes you think I'm the one having the affair with that weird, chubby art teacher?"

2. "Some say the signs send a bad message, but I say how many high schools can brag about five freshman girls giving birth in the same week."

3. And on that day, Brittany came up with the name she would use throughout her adult film career... Kandee Kane!

4. "Yo, Kobe... over here, I'm open."

5. "I brought the gloves, now where's the love?"

Best of Submariner
velcro gloves? check.
peppermint? check.
silk binding rope? check.
dwarf? dwarf? Alright - which one of you dweebs was supposed to bring the dwarf?

Best of catbat
The winter ball queen candidates want to say hello to you, new person.

Best of bubbalove
The dude on the left just found the hard way about 10 minutes ago that it's 'that time of the month' for the girl...
The girl likes pearl necklaces but she LOVES the pearl scarf the football boys just gave her...
The dude on the right can't stop smiling at the first-graders...

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Brittany, if you let me grab you with these red gloves, your wildest dreams will come true. Gosh!"

Best of D-Max
The three students voted Most Likely To Say "Hi" To 5 New Forms Of Hepatitus.


Thanks for another warm, steaming slice of Midwestern Americana.

How Did I Miss This One?

1. "Aw, man, I just had the strangest dream that I was married to this horrible troll of a man like something out of Lord of the... aaaaarrrrrgh!"

2. Once again, Valerie's blissfully anal-retentive dreams were spoiled by a premonition that Joe was using a bong on their Pottery Barn apothecary table without a coaster.

3. Gomez and Morticia, the later years.

4. "Hey, Val, one of the twins just snarled and told me to 'Fark myself.' Care to come clean about those late nights with Cheney?"

5. "No, Val, that must have been one of the twins. Mine are silent and smell like rose petals."

6. "Joe's watching his Brokeback Mountain DVD again. I wonder if he'll want me to wear the chaps or the sheepskin teddy tonight."

7. Ah, all the elements of film noir. Artistic lighting, existential angst, and a protagonist with absolutely no redeeming virtues.

8. "How about you just kiss the dog goodnight, Mr. Halitosis of Death?"

9. "Oh my, Joe! You're home early! What a surpise! Um, remember that ad we placed in the Post for a nanny? Well, so far the only ones that have responded are, um, some sweaty Latino construction workers. They're in the bathroom, um, putting their pants on. It's, um, part of their culture, you know."

10. "Don't worry," the photographer said. "With artistic lighting and soft focus, I can make both of you look... um, great."

11. "What the Hell were we drinking last night? I feel like I've been sodomized by a live cougar."

Best of Prough91
I am Dieter. Velcome to Very boring German porn. Shall ve dance?

Best of jeff
Once again it's shown that it's actually "All about Joe" with Linda Plame just a confused figure in the background.

Best of Submariner
Joe? Have you been writing "To boink a secret agent, call Val Plame at BR-549" in WaPost men's rooms again?

Loose lips? HA! Don't I wish...

I was so excited that a Plame went down off Miami with no survivors. Then I found out the Post had a misprint... (Only because someone had the balls to make a more tasteless comment than my Matthew Shepard comment in Bareback Mountain thread. - V)

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Nah, lady, you're way off...this is Lileks. Caption This! is two blocks down on the left."
(CP, if there were and end of year "Best of " list, this would definitely be on it.)

"Joe, there's a Mr. Death at the door. Something about the reaping?"

"Joe, it's someone from the Times on the phone. But don't worry, I put on my Swedish accent so I'm sure they have no idea I'm a Super-Dooper Top Secret covert agent. Whew, another close one!"

"Joe, how long have I been asleep? Did they find your dignity yet?"

Best of Rodney Dill
I thought you paid the electric bill this month.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Velcome to Sprockets, I am your host Dieter. Today, we review the thrilling avant garte movie entitled 'She Loves Me, She Loves My Caribou'!"

Word to lawhawk's mother.

The Mothership Connection

1. "Look at me mug for the camera and tell me I shouldn't be the spokesman for Jell-O pudding?"

2. "It's even more horrible than I imagined." The chubby naked breast painter inspires another man to claw his own eyes out.

3. "Chill out, Louie. All I said was there were some really good crackers at the buffet."

4. Audio Caption

5. Du habst pimplen! Ich liebe dich nicht!

6. Louis Farakhan enjoys a facial massage and exfoliating scrub from his loyal Nation of Islam guards.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Dang, Louis... You're not suppose to put the whole pack of Altoids in your mouth!"

It's kind of anti-climatic when your speaker coughs up a hairball in mid speech.

He's not really a "Malcom X"... more of a "Malcolm Why?"

Best of Van Helsing
"The mothership replaced my old eyes with these. Now I can see events shrouded from normal earthlings. White guys blowing up levees, for example."

Best of Anonymous
"Look! Right here! If you look closely you can see ...the tracks of my tears!"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"These eyes? These eyes have seen a lotta love but they're never gonna see another one-a like I had with you."
Nothin, nothin. Just kickin back, practicing my safety patrol routine, havin a brew... You?

Best of bubbalove
The crowd gasps as Calypso Louie inadvertently performs a Vulcan mind-meld on himself forcing out the confession: " Yes! Yes! I am a racist, thieving, anti-semitic demagogue! Hahahahahaaa!"




7. Nothing like a good Korean manicure to make a girl feel oh-so-pretty inside.

8. Il douchebag.

9. "Mein Fuhrer! I can valk!"

10. "Stop! in the name of love/Before you break my heart"

Best of Submariner
Best of jeff
Look at this hand - no bling! You don't love me! If you'd love me you'd give me bling! Tony Soprano gets bling... why not me?

Best of Van Helsing
"Talk to the hand, you crackers!"

Best of sonicfrog
"Live Long And Prosp...." "Live Long And..." Damned, I can never get my fingers to do that stupid vulcan send-off thing.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"I defy your pie as it flies through the sky toward my eyes."

Best of bubbalove
Darth Louie quickly holds up his hand to block the shots from Han Solo's blaster!

Roto-Reuters Photo Ric Francis/Pool

Scenes from a Wrestling Tournament, or the Director's Cut of Brokeback Mountain?

1. "Look what you did! Look what you did! We don't do that in the house! We take that outside!"

2. "And after I finish pinning your ass to the mat, I'm gonna do a victory lap around the gym with you on my shoulders."

3. "Well, are you gonna say no to drugs, or am I going to have to pound your face on the floor again?" Cheney High School was known for its assertive D.A.R.E. Chapter.

4. "...and I say our knowledge of reality is an illusion, because we lack a priori sense data."

5. "How DARE you call Liza Minelli a cheap imitation of her mother!"

6. Either the kid in red has a monster zit on his shoulder, or the blue team's sniper has lousy aim.

Best of Prough91
I wish you'd take that thing off your head so I could reach your ears.

Best of Submariner
Uhhhhh, sh!t, prolapsed rectum...

Everybody stop: lost contact search!

Trust me - Richard Gere taught me this move; get your angle just right and when you fart, the gerbil will hit the first row!

Best of bubbalove
"Hey! Have you noticed when you push my head down that Congressman Frank's eyes roll back in his head?"

Best of Van Helsing
"Push it on hard! I don't want it coming off and rolling across the mat again..."

Best of sonicfrog
Sorry man. I'm lookin' but I'm just not seing it.

Yeah, I wrestled in high school. I wasn't on a team or anything like that, but I did enjoy wrestling.

You Could Break Your Back Doing That

1. Jeremy's notorious "Brokeback Mountin'" move struck terror into the hearts of all competitors.

2. "I'm pretty sure this is NOT how you perform the Heimlich maneuver."

3. Um, yippee-ki-yi-yea?

4. The wrestling team from Barney Frank High School was known for their come-from-behind victories.

5. Jeremy and Tyler stump everyone with their charade of "Barney Frank's subconscious."

6. The team always dreaded meets against Neverland High School.

7. "This stopped being a wrestling match five minutes ago. Now, you're just on vacation."

8. It's been on my list for a long time.

9. "But what about my needs?"

10. It got really weird when it turned out neither one of them was actually on a team.

11. "Dude, get offa me! The floor did not turn into lava. Man, what kind of 'roids are you on?"

12. The worst was yet to come. Two minutes after this picture was taken, they started girlishly slapping each other.

Jesse Jackson says: Ssssh! Don't tell these people how I'm messing with their wholesome Americana.

Wasn't this an episode of Futurama?

1. "Kali is open. Kobe passes. Kali goes for a layup and destroys the universe!"

2. "Confident! Confident! Confident! Confident! Dry and Secure!"

3. Master of the menage-a-trois double-backward-reacharound.

4. "Y-W-C-A... it's fun to stay the Y-W-C-A..."

5. No NBA offers, No Nike endorsements, but he does get $4.3 Million a year for pitching Right Guard.

6. Yes, but is he forewarned?

7. He's a decent roundballer, but you ain't seen nothin' til you've seen him play 'Twister'

8. Suddenly, it dawned on Hayes why that Parker kid was always hanging around, and the connection to those "R U Free 2nite" IM's from "DocOc" on his mom's computer..."

9. "And then the sign shall be revealed, a power forward, and on his shoulders were four arms, and the number of the beast shall be 10, and he shall have game." Revelation, 24:16

10. The photo was cropped in such a way as to hide his other bonus part.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
He can slam-dunk, dribble, flip off the fans, and strangle a coach simultaneously!

I believe I can fly...

"George Bush hates abnormally multi-appendaged people!"

By the looks of this fellow, it appears I can finally stop running that Seti@home project on all my computers now.

Transporter malfunction.

Best of Rodney Dill
Cute, but he has a good work ethic too. When he gets down to is he's all asses and elbows.

Best of AlphaMu42
Thanks to Dr. Mephisto, the South Park Cows may have a shot a the Final Four this season.

Best of Submariner
I crossed a Detroit kid with a hummingbird. Makes a helluva dash to the basket but then he just hangs there looking at it...

Alex vibrated as the "Butterfly Effect" once again caused a change in his reality.

Paula Abdul exclaimed "I've been geesed!" when Haynes walked past, then smiled and asked if he was interested in being a contestant...

After coming up with his unique double-high, double-low defensive stance, he would forever more be known as "Malcolm X."

Best of bubbalove
Here, a young Lord Goro can be seen playing basketball during his college years, just moments before a fireball from an opposing team member named Liu Kang horribly disfigured him.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"I have multiple personality disorder, and so do I!"

"When Kamal is drunk, we like to get him to do the Macarena! Talk about a hoot!"


Fairly used from Detroit News Photoblog

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

1. "Damn it! Looks like some hippes have set up camp in the ditch outside my ranch. Better break out the old hockey mask and fire up the wood chipper."

2. Cheney snarled. "What kind of wuss needs a chainsaw to dismember a corpse?"

3. "Nope. No gay cowboys around here. Not anymore."

4. "I'm ready. Is Hillary's armpit hair ready?"

5. It went against the better judgment of the rest of the administration, but Dick Cheney insisted that his Adrienne Barbeau-bot would be equipped with chainsaw hands.

6. "Geez Cheney, leave some zombies for the rest of us, gosh!"

7. President Bush prepares to take Heather Chandler up on her offer.

8. "Sure, go ahead. Tell the police the President of the United States trashed your camper with a chainsaw. I'm so sure they'll totally believe you!"

9. W always made such a production out of meeting Barb and Jenna's new boyfriends.

10. "You're a pussy, Nugent. Let me show you how a real man hunts a bear."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Heeeeeeere's Georgie!"

"Come with me if you want to live."

With Pelosi, Reid, and Boxer given their headstart, George set out to hunt the most dangerous game.

Best of Rodney Dill
Dubya: "I done, I just cut a cord of wood today."
Reporter: "Doesn't sound like much with a chainsaw, but I guess you're concerned with conserving gas."
Dubya: "This uses gas?"

Best of catbat
"bzzzzzzz! there go my nipples again."

Best of Bubbalove
Here, President Bush can be seen during his screen test for his Hollywood debut flick "I Dismember Democrats'.

Best of Submariner
OK. You three - Kerry, Reid, Kennedy - we're gonna play a little game. Kennedy? Let me hear you squeal like a pig...

Oh Hillary? I've got a weight reduction program for you that is 100% SURE to remove at least 25 pounds before the 2006 campaign season...

Just think, if the nation screwed up the election, you'd be talkin to a man with a Vidal Sassoon hair dryer on his hip instead...

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"PATRIOT Act vote? Yeah, 220...221; whatever it takes."

Best of Prough91
Who says Dubya ain't tough? He's got a chainsaw for a pecker and when he needs a leaf blower, he eats a burrito.

Cribbed from All Things Beautiful on an Anonymous Tip

Arrrrrgh! My Eyes!

I know what you're all thinking. Damn it, V, if you're giving us this and Sheehan on Monday, the babe on Thursday better make Angelina Jolie look like Kathy Bates.

1. Tubes of frosting, they're not just for breakfast, lunch, brunch, dinner, mid-morning snack, second breakfast, mid-afternoon snack, pre-dinner snack, post-dinner snack and midnight snack any more.

2. "Hey, hideous women whose sons weren't killed in Iraq are entitled to desperate pleas for attention, too!"

3. "I'm not exactly sure what she does, either, but Senator Clinton says she's an indispensible member of the staff."

4. The lawsuit against TSA's new biometric scans was the one time everyone supported the ACLU.

5. Please, for the love of God, don't ask to see her "happy little trees."

6. They just look like shapeless pink blobs to me. Her paintings aren't any good either.

7. Coincidentally, all five of her babies died of lead poisoning.

8. "It's not art, you idiot. That sick perv just bit my nipples off!"

9. A tape of this episode of Postcards From Buster was sent to the White House with a note reading. "Come on. Just try and cut our funding. We double dog dare you."

10. Bertha was later evicted from the trailer park for her 'Anatomically Correct Garden Gnomes' display.

Best of Prough91
Bob Ross' sister didn't do nearly as well with her show… until it moved to Lifetime.

From Gary Larson’s Reject pile: Trailer Park Mammograms.

Best of Submariner
Surprisingly, even inflated-scrotum guy didn't ask for a signed copy of Bertha's "Nipple Prints From the Edge."

What do you mean "I suggest 5 or 10 gallons of Sear's Weatherbeater for full coverage?"

No, babushka, in my country you don't have party, party has you!

Best of Van Helsing
At first Bertha considered her bleeding nipples to be a problem. But then she learned she could make a nice living breastfeeding lawyers.

Best of Bubbalove
10 year-old Michael Moore is seen here at Summer Camp painting art cells for a movie he wants to make when he grows up called "Camp Counselor Roger and Me."

Best of AlphaMu42
Reason #325 why the 'Breasts not Bombs' compaign is not as popular as one would expect.

Greg Sanders' enthusiasm for collecting evidence quickly wanes when he discovers that this woman is the only suspect in the latest case

Although Dolly Parton has been a USO volunteer for over 30 years, few people know that she no longer signs her own letters to the troops.

Just your typical Berkeley 3rd grade Art teacher.

Best of Rodney Dill
Expose yourself to Art

Best of catbat
That's an insult to the eyes. Absolutely sickening. I can't believe she'd use napthol crimson alongside cadmium red.

Best of The Church Lady
"Well, I see that some of us have to bare our breasts in order to create art. Isn't that special?"

Best of ColoradoPatriot
In a final desperate attempt to wrest his attention away from his work, Dr. Rorschach's wife unwittingly stumbles onto an idea that would make her a rich, albeit sexually frustrated, divorcee.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Sorry V, I get mixed up with the lingo the kids use nowadays... I meant for you to show us some phat boobies, not fat boobies. My bad.

Billy-Bob thought that everything seemed fine at the trailor park... That is, until Ned the milkman showed up with two large, red paint splotches on the inner thigh section of his white uniform.

"Uhm... OK... Most of our illiterate clients just sign with an 'X', but that's o.k. too..."

From Knowledge B. Power

All the Perfumes of Arabia Can Not Sweeten This Little Hand

1. After seeing her own body naked, Cindy Sheehan claws her own eyes out.

2. Edvard Munch's The Hissy Fit

3. "Oh my God! I have no soul!"

4. "... and the old moonbat cried and asked the black cobra 'Why did you bite me?' And the cobra answered, 'You knew what I was when you put me around your neck.'" --- The Moonbat and the Cobra, a Native American folktale.

5. Nothing moved Mother Moonbat more than the gift of Yasser Arafat's large intestine, which she wore around her neck from that day forward.

6. Ever since that night in the ditch with Al Sharpton, it hurts when she pees.

7. Sometimes wedgies feel so good that you just have to cry.

8. Someone really should have warned her about Indian food.

9. Mother Moonbat would soon regret her vow not to wipe herself until all troops were withdrawn from Iraq.

10. "It's not fair! I thought black was supposed to be slimming!"
Best of Gavriel
Cindy Sheehan checks her onion-juice soaked hands in preparation for her next televised interview.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Her head then split open to reveal Arnold Schwartzenegger, who had been trying to reach Mars covertly.

In that brief moment, she realized the the dire consequence of having forgot her tinfoil beanie... but it was too late, the Rovian satellite waves had already zeroed in.

Those first brief moments of determining if you let out a little fart or a poopie can be unsettling.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Awwwww, dammit! WHY did you HAVE TO buy a vowel?!?"

Cindy's solidarity with Tookie prompted her to don her Crips sweatshirt, while her memorial to Liberace prompted her to don her black feather boa.

Best of Prough91
“ ...and when Al put it right in my face, this was approximately my expression.”

Best of sonicfrog
"I’m Melting, MMmmelting! What a world, What a world!"

{Actually, a commenter at SondraK’s blog had the same thought - V}

Best of Submariner
Bratwurst in the deli's window? Oh, Al! Jesse! I miss you so much!

When I bite into a York's Peppermint Patty (tm), I get the sensation of a 7-11, giant, economy bag of ice being forced up my nether regions... twice...

Best of Van Helsing
"I could have had a V8!"

Best of Anonymous
"They found Casey alive? Oh crap!"

Best of occasional reader
“NO! WIRE! HANGERS!... EVER!!!

Best of AlphaMu42
Suddenly, Cindy is struck with an overwhelming sense of remorse for having exploited Casey's death to advance her own personal agenda... No wait, it's just gas.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"KAAAAHHHHHHHHNNNN!"

Best of Frank IBC
Separated at birth from Martin Short.

From Breitbart on a tip from Chip

Saturdays with Lileks, II

1. "Mr. Farakhan, there's a Mother Ship here to see you."

2. "Frank Lloyd Wright designed it during his 'enormous, terrifying air duct' phase."

3. We've secretly replaced this man's air duct with the space shuttle's main engine. Let's see if he notices.

4. "I hear you, Lou. That is one tough Jumble."

5. "I don't know any other way to put it, Lou. But, when I think about you, I touch myself."

6. "This is urgent. Some fellow named Tuttle is going around fixing ductwork without a form 27b/6"

7. One day, the office muzak played Ride of the Valkyries and everyone died.

Best of Rodney Dill .
"It's OK to talk, this room has a noise dampener."
"What?"
"I said ..."

Best of ColoradoPatriot .
"Okay, Johnson, but just this one last time. Put a quarter in the slot, turn the crank and the gumball comes out from up here."

Best of Bubbalove .
(circa sometime in the late 1930's - at a meeting of the top members of the Illuminati and Freemasons) "So...you want to take this 'embryo' that is the true spawn of Satan and implant it in this floozy you know down in Hope, Arkansas? Hmm..it's devious..unexpected..I like it."

Best of Submariner .
SETI leadership was a bit confused over why their fillings heated up every time they broadcast a microwave greetings to Alpha Centauri.

"The funny thing is, this is your Hell, but they have the exact same room up there..."


Borrowed from Lileks

Saturdays with Lileks I

'Cos, really, who's paying attention on the weekends.

1. "Well, somebody really went to town on their urine sample."

2. "Be careful with that bucket. It contains John Kerry's last shred of decency."

3. "It was sure nice of those cowboys to share their pudding with us."

4. Scene from the 1952 classic, They saved Hitler's Testicle.

5. "Take this bucket to Mr. Creosote's table... stat!"

6. "Ah, Piss Boy. Here, the King is waiting."

7. "Look Sergeant Schultz, just go out and bring back a bucket of fresh milk. If thinking of it as 'molesting the cow' helps you get the job done, whatever, man."

8. "Gatorade not only quenches your thirst better, it tastes better too." "No!" "Water sucks. It really, really sucks...." The read went well, but the producers went with Henry Winkler and Adam Sandler instead of John Banner and Dean Martin.

9. "We just finisdhed cleaning out Jeffrey Dahmer's gym locker. Do you think these kidneys belonged to anyone we knew?"

10. "There you go, Mr. Bond. Shaken, not stirred."

Best of lawhawk
Ted Kennedy, who loves to dress up for the Hogan's Heroes drinking game, prepares to down another shot.

Steady.... steady... Don't taunt the happy fun bucket.

Best of Rufus Leaking
Donald Sutherland says, "Yeah if I'd stayed in Canada, my career would be worth a warm buck of this stuff. . . "

Hillary Health Care? Why yes, I did get my glasses from Hillary Health Care. Everyone is entitled to one pair a year! Just like THESE!

Best of Rodney Dill
"I'm not a monster, I have the heart of a child, see."

Best of Prough91
Uh, Sir, I got King Kong's semen sample.

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"Your two creepiest friends on a cold day with a warm bucked of slurry? Pepperidge Farm remembers!"

"Okay, Captain. Just one more, but promise me you won't slide off the friggin runway again. And take that stupid thing off your head; they'll think you're with United."

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"What's the matter, not feeling so well today, Odo?"

"Yeah, I'll take one for the team and boink Pelosi to shut her up, but this ain't near enough tequila."

Best of Submariner
Uh, we only needed a drop of Hillary's blood to check whether or not she's human; but since she hasn't missed a photo op since you drained her, I think we can skip the whole microscope thing...

No kidding? You can tell where I'm from by what I throw up into this bucket?


Borrowed from Lileks

Another Vaguely Homoerotic Football Pic

1. HIV Positive Backdoor Quarterback was pitched as a cross between Brian's Song and Brokeback Mountain... but with much longer locker room scenes.

2. And for tearing off the quarterback's head, Ohio State received a five yard penalty.

3. "But, what about my needs."

4. "'Bad Touch' is not a recognized NCAA penalty... yet!"

5. "Massive chest... tiny waist... good lord, I'm about to get sacked by Morganna the kissing bandit!"

6. "That's an odd position to attempt a sack." "BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!!!"

7. Game play at the Brokeback Mountain Bowl may have been sub-par, but the half-time show was fabulous!

Best of Divine Miss M
"Come to Butthead!"

Best of catbat
"vaguely homoerotic"? what's homoerotic about football? tight ends? open receivers? piling on? the backfield? double teams? down and in? unnecessary roughness? man-to-man coverage? dime packages? bump and runs? pump fakes? I just don't get what you're trying to imply here.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
catbat, you forgot Madden's favorite... the ubiquitous "penetration" ;)

Best of Cybrludite
Ok, what college team is it that has little pot leaf stickers all over their helmets? Evergreen State, perhaps? Or maybe St. John's?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
With Data run amok in the football holodeck program, Riker's only option was to attempt to deactivate him.


Ass Press Photo/Jay LaPrete

The Purple Finger of Baghdad

1. "Oh this? I ran into Nancy Pelosi outside, and she told me the war was hopeless and we couldn't win. So, I stabbed my finger into her chest and ripped out her heart, which pumps not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through her rotten veins and clots in her pea-sized brain which becomes the cause of her Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior."

2. At a White House ceremony honoring the beloved McDonaldland character Grimmis for his humanitarian works, a private nurse explains how she assists the children's icon, now 78 and battling with Alzheimer's, with his bowel movements.

3. "You gonna eat that?"

4. But Bush heeded the advice of the old Irish song, "She'll want you to sample the fruit of her loins/But, son, it will taste like some old rusty coins..." and gently pushed her hand aside.

5. "You know, there are better ways to stay thin."

6. "It's cute when foreigners screw these things up. You're supposed to use your thumb to pull out the plumb."

7. "Yeah, Dick Cheney may be old, but he has a prostate like solid titanium."

8. Warned in advance about the President's finger pulling fetish, Serena took the promotion of coating hers with 30-Weight Motor oil.

9. "Does this bug you, Mr. President? I'm not touching you."

10. Serena indicates the number of Democrats that she would like to thank for bringing Democracy to her country.

(Kevin Lamarque/Reuters)

Brokeback Dohyo

1. "Oh, for crying out loud! It's only one McNugget, you fat bastards."

2. "Now, swing your partner, do-di-so... aw, crap, I should have known 'square dance therapy' would not work with an anger management group."

3. "Get a room, you guys! Honestly!"

4. "Say, is that a Bugle Boy mawashi you're wearing?"

5. "Aw, dude. You're supposed to just spritz Polo, not bathe in it."

6. "You dishonor me with your titty-twister!"

7. "First, you do your hair, then you strip down to a loincloth and wrestle a large hysterical man to the ground... but you've been to sleepovers at Andrew Sullivan's house before."

8. Two large, half-naked men caught in an embrace? Doesn't necessarily mean Sumo. This could be any truck-stop rest-room on the Pacific coast.

9. "Oh, there, there. Stop crying already. Jeez, why do you always have to be such a Mike Farrell?"

10. "Hey, slow down, stud. The condom is still wrapped around my fingers."

Best of sonicfrog
"No, I Love You More!!!"

Things get nasty at the John Belushi look-alike contest.

Best of Submariner
Shelley Winters takes offense at Rosie O'Donell's assertion that she's the biggest b!tch in Hollywierd.

I love Brian Piccolo...

Walter Hudson prepares to drop an "atomic elbow drop" on Mike al'Moore in last night's WWF Smack-Down in Elmira. But that was nothing compared to the cat-fight that broke out between Richard Simmons and Dick Gregory over who would get to market weight-loss programs for the winner.

Best of Prough91
What do you mean you forgot the flour?

Best of Van Helsing
"Gee, your hair smells terrific."

Best of Bubbalove
"Ok, I'm gonna try a reverse reach-around again but I swear to god, if you clinch your ass cheeks and break any more of my fingers, we'll never have sex again! I mean it, Michael! "

Best of Mussolini
"Psst! Does my butt look big in this th-th-th-th-thong?"

Best of Cybrludite
Dude, you're a Sumo wrestler. A house makes your butt look big!

Best of Kevin Walker
Elton John was upset when his Google Image search for "big man-on-man action" came up with this.


ROTO-REUTERS/Toshiyuki Aizawa

Thursday's Harlot

1. How 'Put out or get out' works when you're dating Chuck Yeager.

2. Ah, she'll be fine. Her airbags have already deployed.

3. Caution: Plummeting Figureheads.

4. "Well, that was weird. I'll just try to land between the bowl of petunias and the sperm whale carcass." (O.R.A.)

5. "It's rainin' skanks/Hallelujah!/It's rainin' skanks..."

6. When one of Hef's babes hits 24, he sends them to Bob Guccione by catapult.

7. "When, I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of plummeting to certain death from 30,000 feet into a mountain glade. Also, I have ginormous titties."

8. "Oinnnnnk! Oinnnnnk! Wheeeeeeeeee!" The remake of Deliverance may not have been true to the spirit of the original film, but on the other hand...

9. I don't wanna sound queer or nothing, but no matter how nice her breasts and butt are, I can't get past the fact that she has Adam Sandler's haircut from Little Nicky.

9 1/2. "Popeye's chicken is f***kin' awesome!"

10. I still think five thousand push-ups is a harsh penalty for one tasteless Matthew Shepard caption.

Once again, stolen from another caption contest at Mr.Cranky

Jesse Jesse Bo Besse...

1. Well, Jesse can still pick his friends at least.

2. "And then Sheehan ran her lips up the side, like so."

3. I think we can all agree that Jesse's sobriety test was l-o-o-o-o-n-g overdue.

4. "Ssshh, be vewy vewy quite. I'm shaking down guilt-widden libewals."

5. "Sssh, Sssh, now let's not get into a big debate over who illegitimately fathered who, or who embezzled what to pay off who?"

6. "SSShhhh, be quiet now. The guards said Tookie was taking a well-deserved 'dirt nap,' and I think he is entitled."

Best of Cybrludite .
In today's news Adam Sandler decked a reporter from Fox News at Reverend Jackson's press confrence.

Best of Van Helsing .
"Shh. I hear Tookie speaking to me from beyond the grave... Something about how he already misses Mike Farrell and that tight white manhole..."

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell .
"If the nose does itch, then I must scratch it, b#tch!"

"No, Jesse, you've got it all wrong. It's the pinky that you extend when drinking a cup of tea! You're soooooo Harlem!"

Best of occasional reader .
"Ixnay on the aceray ustlerhay!"

Best of Submariner .
I've used Lava, Clorox, 20 mule-team Borax and straight hydrochloric acid; let me tell you, absolutely nothing will remove the scent of Sheehan...

Jesse responded to the paternity question with a "Shhhhh" then said with a chuckle, "Unlike the Star Wars (tm) movies, I will be making no surprise announcements that I am anyone's daddy."

Best of bubbalove .
Here, Jesse can be seen sneakily flashing his room number sequence to the cute blonde white girl off to his left.

Jesse Jackson signals for a young woman and her male friend to be silent from shouting, "Who dat iz!?" "That's just my baby daddy." "Who dat iiiz!!?" That's just my baby daddy!"

SF Chronicle photo by Michael Maloney

Return to Bareback Mountain

1. "I don't think I'll ever get off all that Dalmation body paint."

2. "Do you ever feel... not so fresh?"

3. "No, not the horse you rode in on. Just you."

4. "Wow, that old guy sure cried like a little girl when we pistol-whipped him."

5. "Dang! Here am I with 200 sheep and I left my velcro gloves in the bunkhouse."

6. "You've got your lasso, I've got my Wonder Woman costume. Let's do this thang!"

7. "And then he extended a laurel and hearty handshake to the town's new... butt pirates."

8. "I guess that'll teach that bitch Matthew Shepard not to diss Judy Garland."

9. "Hey, Cosby! Don't bogart that Jell-O pudding."

10. "There it is, Jake. The Ponderosa. Now all we need to do is get into a fight with Little Joe, and Old Ben Cartwright'll will grease his arm up to the elbow, and take us out back and subject our young, supple bodies to some stern, fatherly discipline and fisting."

Best of sonicfrog
Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt. It is so big!!!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Hey, how about a gay movie set on the high seas?" "They already did one. It was called Titanic."

"Some people don't like this route... Just an old road with abandoned chocolate factories on either side... Me?... Well, let's just say I kinda like travelin' up the ol' Hershey highway."

They enjoyed gunning down cow patties along the way... Yup, there was nothing they liked more than a good ol' poop shoot.

Best of Submariner
Who's the Biggest Bitch? Second toughest round ever.

Best of Divine Miss M
Gives a whole new meaning to "Ride 'em, cowboy."

Best of Frank IBC
I didn't know Floyd the Barber did eyebrow waxing.

Best of Rodney Dill
"Why'd you become a Cowboy, Ned?" "So I could just pee on the ground, anywhere, anytime."

"Billy, ya ever seen a grown man naked?" "Day ain't over yet."

Best of catbat
Even them thar hosses is gettin idears. [I don't know what i just typed. seriously, though, has anyone seen the movie? Are they in love? I bet they're in love.]

Photo: Ass Press Photo/Focus Features, Kimberly French

Wholesome, Inoffensive, Kid's Christmas Choir

1. "If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine/She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine."

2. "She said somethin' that I couldn't believe/ So I grabbed the stupid bitch by her nappy ass weave/She started talkin' shit, would'nt you know?/I reached back like a pimp and I slapped the ho'..."

3. "It's rainin' men/Hallelujah!/It's rainin' men!"

4. "Here we are now/ Entertain us/ I feel stupid and contagious/ Here we are now/ Entertain us..."

5. "I knew a girl named nikki/I guess u could say she was a sex fiend/ I met her in a hotel lobby/Masturbating with a magazine..."

6. "We want the funk/Give up the funk/Yow!/We need the funk/Gotta have yo' funk!"

7. "What I’ve got you’ve got to get it put it in you/ What I’ve got you’ve got to get it put it in you."

8. "Big bottom/Big bottom/Talk about mud flaps/My girl's got 'em..."

9. "I do whatever i want to, to ya/I'll nail your ass to the sheets/A pelvic thrust and the sweat starts to sting ya/I f*** like a beast ... "

10. "I am woman/Hear me roar/In numbers too large to ignore..."

Best of Submariner
Having thought she was just a leftover Halloween decoration, the kids gave a collective shriek when Helen Thomas moved.

"The roof! The Roof! The ROOF is on fire!/We don't need know water/Let the MF burn!"

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Francisco where the gays find a sympathetic queer!

Best of Son Of The Godfather

"She's a very kinky girl / The kind you don't bring home to mother..."

"Chuck, Chuck, Bo-buck, Banana-fanna..."

The kids had never seen a lesbian knife fight before.

Best of Cybrludite
Gary Glitter's dream date.

Best of Divine Miss M
The kids had never seen semi-nude, dalmation-clad, limp-wristed, bead-adorned houseboys before.

Best of Occasional Reader
The children's choir is SO much better motivated ever since we had those "Agonizers" installed on their sternums.

Best of sonicfrog
I like big butts and I can not lie/You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste/And a round thing in your face
You get sprung...

Get up, come on get down with the sickness [x3]
Open up your hate, and let it flow into me

She fucking hates me/ la la la love...

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"I've got an appetite for sex/'cuz me so horny/oh, me so horny/ Me love you long time!"

Best of Kevin Walker
I pissed my pants,
The toilet was just too damn far
I drunk too much damn beer.
I tried to hold it in,
But my bladder just gave in,
And I pissed right through my drawer,
Right through my Wrangeler drawers,
I pissed, I pissed, I pissed my drawers.

Best of Occasional Reader
Highlights from the ACLU's "Non-Denominational Festive Season" Children's Concert: "We wish you a culturally-appropriate festive season/we wish you a culturally-appropriate festive season..."

Best of Prough91
Father O'Donelly's wet dream.

It came from here.

Another First

The first time I have ever had the least bit of interest in either one of these people.

1. "Sorry, Frightening Skull-Woman. Not interested."

2. Although it makes Jessica scowl, Nick enjoys making Mike Farrell cry like a little girl.

3. "Ha! I guess I showed you, Skull-Woman. I only needed one hand and no flashlight!"

4. The Adventures of Skull-Woman and Sissy Boy was a straight-to-DVD release.

5. Who's the Biggest Bitch? toughest round ever.

6. "With all due respect, Jess, you never said not to piss in the punchbowl."

7. "Yeah, well, at least I didn't get wear I am by moving my mouth and faking it." "That wasn't me, that was my sister." "I wasn't talking about SNL."

8. "If you need me, I'll be eating pudding with Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal."

Best of Occasional Reader
"Babe, we're broken up now, so no I do *not* have to explain that odd white stain on my jeans."

Best of sonicfrog
The Sexbot, having deflowered Moby, eyes her next victim.

Best of Divine Miss M
The truth can now be told, Nick prefers men in Dalmation body paint to blonde dimwits in unattractive heels.

Best of Cybrludite
The Jessica's pumps, they make the Baby Manolo cry!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Shaaa, right!.. Is he like, Nick LeGAY?"

"That Little Teapot song should keep her occupied for hours..."

"Excuse me, Ms.Simpson? I thought you should know that those pumps would look far better on my shoulders."

"Let's see how fast I can get to the Marion County Courthouse to file for divorce..."

Best of Submariner
That is so unfair! I am so as "Smart as a rock!"

Hey Kobe! Over there; trust me - she's open!

(Ass Press Photo/Chris Pizzello)

A First For the Blogosphere?

Note: Yesterday, at some time in the morning, PST, a judge signed off on the adoption decree for my (former) foster son CJ. I can't be sure, but this is likely the first time in internet history that a blogger has legally adopted another blogger.
The adoption was delayed for several weeks because some nutjob crashed a pick-up truck into the courthouse, set it on fire, and then had a standoff with police.
Which, if you knew CJ, is absolutely appropriate.)

1. Little Known Superheroes #374: The Green Condom.

2. "Excuse me," the dyslexic UPS man asked. "I have a truckload of MALES to deliver. Can you direct me to Andrew Sullivan's house?"

3. Desperate to end the stand-off, the police sent in the Michelin Man's brother to try and talk him into coming out peacefully.

4. "... Okay, the driver was 93 years old. Did anyone have 93 in the pool? Anyone?"

5. "Apparently, he missed a turn while arguing 'put out or get out' with his step-daughter." The best episodes of Cops are always set in Florida.

6. "I come to you with an urgent message: Mars Needs Women."

7. Worst Marketing Concept of All Time: The Luby's Cafeteria Drive-Thru.

8. "The driver claims he was distracted by news reports of a lesbian knife fight."

Photo: KGW

Welcome to Hell, Tookie. Here's Your Accordion.

1. Mike Farrell feels Schwarzenneggar's long-distance bitch slap and cries like a little girl.

2. "This is the cheek where Tookie kissed me. I'll never wash it again."

3. "No, seriously, if I don't wear a sports bra, they hang down to here."

4. Mike Farrell is not prepared for the intensity of his first Altoid, and cries like a little girl.

5. "No, you can not save Tookie by storing enough nuts in your cheek to get him through the long, cold, winter. Focus, Mike!"

6. "That buck can put his nuts in my cheek anytime," Andrew Sullivan replied.

7. (Really, Really, Really ORA) - Pete and Julie knew they'd soon have to stage an intervention about Linc's steroid abuse.

8. "Why doesn't he call me? I feel so used." Mike Farrell then threw himself on the bed and cried like a little girl.

9. "Wow! Four blades really does make a difference. I can't wait to use it on my butt."

10. "What if we're wrong?" The sign says. Get a clue. You're liberals. You're always wrong.

Best of Submariner
Tookie deserves clemen - >SLAP! - SLAP!< - Thanks! I needed that!"

I guess Tokkie is now enjoying his 72 smelly pirate hookers...

Wow! I coulda had a V-8!

No, seriously. EVERYthing about that man was big. The family jewels were like this!

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
SNL decides to re-run the popular skit "The Dark Side with Nat X", despite unfounded rumors of Chris Rock's steroid abuse.

Best of sonicfrog
Mike Farrell realizes the state of California has just destroyed a potential wildlife habitat -- Tookie William's Fro!

Best of Van Helsing
It finally sinks in to Farrell that he has had his last conjugal visit with Tookie. But at least there's still the farm at Enumclaw.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
You think they called me "B.J." Hunnicut for something else?... Man, that hurt my cheek!

"You mean no one really cares what a washed-up, second-rate actor thinks?!?... What the hell have we become?"

"Arnold has denied clemency?... Get Geena Davis on the phone, NOW!"

"Oh, Rochester..."

Best of Kevin Walker
"Sod off swampy!" Elton John cries. "I saw him first!"

Best of Occasional Reader
Mike Farrell is stunned by the realization that not even wearing his off-centered "BUT WHAT IF WE'RE WRONG?" micro-miniskirt made any difference in the end.

"You see? Making fun of your victim's choking noises isn't all that bad. Look, Mike's choking right now, and *I'm* making fun of him."

Photo: (AP Photo/Dino Vournas)

101 Damnations

1. "Don't worry Santa! Ace and Gary will save you! Friend of friends, prepare to save Santa... doggy style."

2. "Look at us! We're covered with manholes."

3. Ace and Gary wanted to score with firemen in the worst way.

4. How sexually transmitted Panda Measles made the leap from Pandas to humans may never be known, but the disease spread rapidly following a visit by Barney Frank to the National Zoo.

5. A passing manure spreader brought Andrew Sullivan's white party to an abrupt end.

6. "We aren't limber enough to lick our own crotches, but we have manage a work-around."

7. Two more exhibits for the case against Intelligent Design.

8. "It's no use, Gary. They're all distracted by the lesbian knife-fight."

9. "Oh, sure. Like putting on skin tight shorts and dalmation body paint and prancing around in public isn't something every married heterosexual couple does."

10. The Berkeley left throws another somber memorial march for troops killed in Iraq.

Best of Submariner
Barney Frank mused - "I wonder if I could get away with humping Kennedy's leg if I painted myself that way?"

Tim Leary wasn't sure if he was having a flashback or just visiting Disney on "Red Shirt Day."

Katie Couric and Matt Lauer found a unique way to cover the Westminster Dog Show this year...

Andrew looked at Barney and simpered, "Do you think I could get McGruff to take a bite out of me?"

The John Candy fan club will now come to order.

Ace: "Gary, you sure know how to give a dog a bone"

Best of Divine Miss M
"Pearls with dalmation print?" asked Boy George. "Oh, I simply can not handle weirdness."

Andrew Sullivan fretted for weeks over what wedding gift to send Elton John and David Furnish, but hey, doesn't everybody have a use two more semi-nude, dalmation-clad, limp-wristed, bead-adorned houseboys?

Best of Prough91
Number one reason you shouldn't wear white after labor day. (Well, that and getting beaten to death in a phone booth by Serial Mom - K)

Best of AlphaMu42
One of the few photos ever taken of the 1982 "Liberace/ Elton John" World Tour.

"Oh crap, I think we've just been spotted." (yeah... but I have done worse captions)

"Hey Gary, what's black and white and inhabits Uranus?"

Best of sonicfrog
".... and we're going to Massachusetts to get muuuurried."

Inspired by AlphaMu42
"How did we come up with these costumes? Well, one night we were sniffing each other's asses, like we always do, and it just came to us."

Best of catbat
do you think they argued about who got to be the bitch?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Joan and Melissa Rivers have officially "jumped the shark".

Out in public, they were heralded as a "uniquely eccentric" couple... Not so much at home, where they would crap on the lawn and scoot their asses across the carpet.

One theory of why they cancelled Enterprise was that they were running out of creative ideas for alien species.

So what do Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews do with their off-air time anyway?

After careful consideration, I respectfully disagree... Not all dogs go to heaven.

I think I can finally "get with" the ending of Old Yeller.

Wonder Twin Powers: ACTIVATE! "Shape of: A Spotted Sodomite!" "Form of: A Degenerate Dalmation!"

The incident ended unexpectedly when the duo wandered too close to a Korean market and were never heard from again.

(REUTERS/Andy Newman/Florida Keys News Bureau)

It's a Robert Byrd Christmas

1. The ACLU plays hardball.

2. Iraqi insurgents released shocking video of a Christian aid worker, kidnapped and executed while distributing toys to Iraqi children.

3. Santa should never have gotten mixed up with Heather Chandler.

4. "Just ignore it," Mrs. Claus told the elves. "Just another f**kin' plea for attention."

5. Sad, but inevitable ending to the cautionary children's tale, The Christmas Santa Claus Ratted on Sammy the Bull Giacomo.

6. The suicide note said something about not wanting to live in a world where 60,000,000 idiots would re-elect Hitler.

7. "Suicides don't usually tie their hands behind their backs," Grissom snarled, thus beginning oen of the weirdest, most-sordid CSIs ever, one that would eventually cover reindeer bestiality, auto-erotic asphyxiation, and elf-related paraphilia.

8. His last words, "I'm sorry, Hillary. But you made the Naughty List this year, and the people have a right to know why."

9. Andrew Sullivan's Google image search for "Hung Santa" yields a grisly result.

10. "Death the Capitalist Pig!" And then, led by Hermie, the elves siezed the means of production.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Yes Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus! Let's roll tape...

"And I heard him exclaim/As he dropped out of sight.../Yeargh! cough... gurrrgle.../**SNAP** ..."

"THAT'll f-in teach you to bring me a Walkman when I asked for an I-pod, you sonofabitch!"

Just tell your kids there are no presents this Christmas because Santa's nervous system was was disconnected at the upper spine... They'll understand.

After his kidnapping, Santa knew bad things were to come when he heard the words, "Bring out the gimp."

Best of Submariner
Hmmmm, the suicide note mentions a menage a trois, Comet, Donder and Cupid, and then something about "doing things in a field with no elves around..."

In a cosmic coincidence, Andy and Barney had the simultaneous thought: "Auto-erotic asphyxiation while wearing a Santa Suit? Cool!"

Best of WALSTIB
Nick "Blind Man" Claus's raunchy blues version of White Christmas didn't go over too well with the redneck crowd.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Overheard at Berkeley rally: "No blood for toys!"

Best of AlphaMu42
When the first few snowflakes started falling on downtown Atlanta, they were greeted with wonder & delight. Twentyfour hours later, however, there was 12 inches of snow on the ground, traffic was at a standstill, stores were being looted, and angry mobs had siezed control of the courthouse- seeking justice & revenge.
Mrs. Claus would long regret convincing Heat Miser to let it snow in the south for just one day.

Best of Van Helsing
The real Santa Claus resolved to deal with all imposters, one by one.

I stole it from Florida Cracker on a tip from Ace

Wholesome Weekend Americana

1. "Damn! Where is that fluffer?"

2. And then Jodie Foster offered Monica Lewinsky a back-rub, but Monica "prefers sausage to taco."

3. And now, let's bring up our next contestant on UPN's hit reality show, Find the Wet Spot!

4. "You know, the black void of despair in the background really capture the essence of the Tijuana whorehouse experience."

5. "You should stick around, hon. As soon as Lexus finishes with this customer, six filipino maids are going to change the sheets in under forty seconds so she can move onto the next john. You oughtta see it, it's like a freakin' NASCAR pit-crew. By the time I yell "All Clear" she'll be strapped to the bedposts and Billy will be leading in the next customer."

6. Douglass Adams unfinished masterpiece, The Whorehouse at the End of the Universe.

7. "Now... in the next scene, you play a mean nurse with who just wants to be spanked."

8. The Community Theater Production of Mother May I Sleep With Danger was on the whole less chessy than the Lifetime version.

9. "What the Hell happened? The last thing I remember, Dick Cheney was mixing Margaritas. Now, I feel like someone shoved a live cougar up my ass and there's a wet spot on the bed the size of Lake Michigan."

10. "I'm tellin' ya honey, if that bed could talk, we'd have to kill it."

From: My a samll town newspaper that had (N/K) a front page story about a lesbian knife fight this week.

Global Warming

1. "K is back! The keeper of the light! All hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light... " (ORA?)

2. "Man, I can't wait to get home, slip out of this parka, and into a nice soft negligee."

3. "Well, look at that. 3,000 invitations from the Sierra Club to their 'Stop Global Warming' fundraiser. Now, where was that open manhole I saw earlier?"

4. "Huh-huh, Huh-huh-huh, you said 'manhole.'"

5. "Well, he could use my manhole anytime," sighed Andrew Sullivan.

6. "Back off, bitch," said Barney Frank. "I saw that manhole first."

7. And as he fell forward, frozen urine welding his legs together, a single thought flashed through his mind: Sleet and snow, my ass. Next time, I'm chucking it down a manhole and going to Starbucks!

8. "Okay, just need to drop these off, and then it's back to the office and see if anyone survived the shooting rampage."

9. "Maybe that dog is right. Maybe all the whores do deserve to die."

10. "I wonder if the headlines will read, 'Postal Worker Snaps, Kills Friends' or 'Bloodbath at Boston Bar.'"

Best of Prough91
Frank always stopped by for a nooner with his midget girlfriend.

Best of Submariner
Sammy! and Dianne! I can't wait to hear how you got into there...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Come on, Howie... You said some stupid sh*t in public about the war not being winnable... People will get over it. Now come outta there!"

Source

Buffalo Girls Won't You Come Out Tonight

1. Officer Barbrady urged everyone to move along, there was nothing to see here. Cows walked like men and wore armor all the time. Later, Scott Baio showed up and gave everyone pinkeye.

2. It was a horrible scene when Dick Cheney finished with the Buffalo dancers... bloody horns and entrails were everywhere.

3. All things considered, 'The Boyfriend' had been much more comfortable with Andrew's far less elaborate 'Abu Ghraib' fetish.

4. The side-effects of Bovine Growth Hormone took generations to manifest themselves.

5. The 'Buffalo Wings' proved to be a major catering faux pas

6. "I'm not throwing anything at that," Kobe thought.

7. The FBI Director fumed. "You mean, we have a serial killer out there who slaughters his victims while dressed as a bison, and we can't use the obvious nickname. Thank you so bloody much, Silence of the Lambs.

Best of Tess Turbo
Their contract rider calls for lots of leafy greens and no red meat of any kind in their dressing room, and if an arena accidently forgets, the damage backstage makes Van Halen look like the Osmonds.

Best of catbat
Who dares challenge the grand poobah of the lodge?

Best of Divine Miss M
If it's true that you are what you eat, then this must be Ted Nugent.

Best of Chip
NOBODY expected the Hamburger Liberation Front.

Best of Submariner
Things turned ugly today after the game when CU alumni came gunning for Vince Young.

Worf family picnics always got a bit more exciting after the barley malt exchange.

Best of Mr. Right
"Bring forth the Virgin Connie Swail!"

"What's in YOUR wallet?

"Gwar! Gwar! Gwar! Gwar!..."

Ripped off from another caption contest at Mr. Cranky

So Long To All That

1. "You're not getting away that easily, you big cuddle-muffin."

2. From that day forward, Tyrone was known by the nickname "Lucky Pierre."

3. "...that's when the attack comes, from the sides. The point is, you're still alive when they begin to eat you..."

4. "Leon, how about you, me and Tyrone try this same position back at the hotel, with some Crisco?"

5. The only work-safe screen capture from the gay p0rn/safe sex classic, Remember the Trojans.

H/T: John Schneider. From Sports Titillated

Despite All Their Rage

1. "I would be bored, but the constant motion, bright colors, and soothing sounds of the mobile hanging over our heads keeps me stimulated."

2. "All right, I give up. How do we get to the cheese?"

3. Meanwhile, potential NYC cab drivers await their hack licenses.

4. You call this a cage fight? Where are the power tools?

5. "And then, at precisely 2:10 in the afternoon, we all drop our pencils at the same time. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

More Saddam Trial Pics from Ass Press/David Furst

African Street Fighter With Feather Duster

1. "Yeah, I'm fighting in the street now, but later me and some of the guys are going to go voguing, hence the feather-duster."

2. Wow! Tribbles are hung!

3. "I spend all day dusting my little fingers off, and you can't even be bothered to use a coaster? Prepare to die!"

4. Wicked nasty dust bunnies they got there in Africa.

5. "And just how is Her Fabulousness supposed to perform a Fan Dance with only one feather duster to cover her pontoons? Prepare to die!"

6. Baby ostrich smuggling, the world's most dangerous profession

7. Pink pajama pants and a wife-beater shirt? Someone's looting Provincetown.

8. Obeki's entire brigade was promptly wiped out by a hot chick in a thong with a broadsword.

9. What's he shouting. Something about "Gawdam Mongorians" and his "Schitty Wall?"

10. "Guard that gate. A bunch of very stupid, very angry American internet users are outside demanding their cut from Prince Obango's exptariated fortune."

Best of Submariner
Tabookie blew it at the "American Gang-slang Finals" with his now infamous "I'm gonna dust yo *ss!"

Failed Swiffer (tm) ad campaigns.

Best of Kevin Walker
Here you see a Kwame Kilpatrick supporter venting his frustration of a recount to a Hendricks supporter.

"This should teach that captioner for calling me a homosexual Nazi. I am NOT a Nazi!!!"

Best of Occasional Reader
One of the odder militias in Liberia is surely the "We Must Dust All The Aluminum Ladders Brigade", shown here being driven away from the US Embassy.

Stung by accusations from British peacekeepers that "you chaps leave an awfully messy battlefield", the principal militias in Liberia's ongoing civil war have vowed to improve their image.

Best of catbat
Whoever all these fellows with firearms are, i'm pretty sure they're not the fashion police. why, this one's terrible at accessorizing.

Best of Van Helsing
They had to shoot a few security guards, but the bold caper was a success. The ransom for Barney Frank's most cherished "love toy" would not be cheap.

From a photoessay at AR15-dot-com

Not-Safe-For-Work Thursdays at Caption This

1. Ann Coulter and James Carville star in C-SPAN's Beauty and the Beast.

2. Warren sat in his parent's basement and sulked. "I'll never meet anyone that hot at a gamer's convention."

3. Dick Cheney's Prom Date and her pet.

4. The split-second between "Fur Is Murder" and the head of a decapitated PETA activist rolling in the gutter.

5. How else are caption blogs supposed to compete with Jennifer Aniston's pontoons?

6. "She farts in bed." "Who the hell cares?"

7. I'm getting a mixed message here. The thong says, "Come and get it, boys," but the dual, silver-plated strap-ons say, "WNBA season-ticket holder."

8. Bill O'Reilly was torn between sexually harassing her... and bitch-slapping her for using 'Happy Holidays' instead of 'Merry Christmas.'

9. You know you're a nerd when you look at this and your only thought is, "What a mess, the weapon in her right hand is clearly a Medieval broadsword, but the two daggers in her belt on the other hand show completely anachornistic styling and the shield and sword-handle are both typical of Nordic design. Also, where did she get leopard skins in what is clearly a Northern European environment."

10. When Schwarzeneggar announced he was appointing a woman as his chief of staff, I was kind of thinking this, not some frumpy, democrat hack.

11. "Let's see something old, something new, something borrowed, something... well, I guess I am off to pillage Smurf village."

Best of AlphaMu42
Here comes jeanie with her new boyfriend/They say that looks don’t count for much/If so, there goes your proof

Best of The Man
Andrew Sullivan rolled a 4, which meant his Merlin Class 6 was sliced in half.

Best of E-HO
Just for grins and gender balance, I'd like to see a DUDE with a metal-dental-floss-crack outfit on. (I think you're pretty much alone on that - V)

Best of Submariner
Gabrielle, tired of being the sidekick, struck out on her own and soon collected her own carpet-munching sycophant.

An early "artist's concept" sketch of Barbarella. The reality was somewhat less pleasing...

CDR Deering wasn't amused at Buck's suggestion for a new uniform and promptly re-circumcized him. (Definitely ORA -V

"You're not leaving this house like that, Barb. We're Bush's, not Clintons..."

Best of k. d. lang
My worst dilemma ever: do I ravish her with abandon, or read her the riot act about the fur?

Best of Prough91
Sheena's crabs really turn nasty.

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"Yo quiero Taco Bell!" The commercial is modernized and re-run until the year 2199.

Saddam on Trial!

1. "Harok-ptui!!"

2. "And sometimes... when I'm on trial for genocide, and I get really nervous, I put my fingers in my armpits, and then I smell them like this."

3. "Nasty black caterpillars on my face? Get 'em off! Get 'em off!"

4. "The Defendant is instructed to refrain from blowing kisses to Howard Dean and John Kerry."

5. "No, I will not show it to you, but, trust me, I have stigmata."

6. "... And then the infidel occupiers told me, 'Not the good towels, those are for guests,' forcing me to endure the torture and humiliation of the hand dryer..."

Best of jeff
Guys, you're making a terrible mistake - it's me! George Clooney! Haven't you seen Syriana yet?

Best of Rufus Leaking
OK, everybody put their hands together for the hardest working man in show business, JAMES BROWNNNNN

Best of catbat
"what do you mean, i cannot display my severed head collection during testimony? this is terrorism."

Best of Attmay
Having committed so many war crimes already, Saddam felt he had nothing to lose by doing the horribly outdated Macarena.

Best of Cybrludite
By Allah's left nut, if these are not the finest used camels in all of the caliphate, then my name isn't Crazy Saddam! How in the name of the prophet can I keep my prices this low, the Infidels ask? It is because I'm crrrrazy!

Best of Submariner
If the gloves don't fit, you must acquit!

No, seriously, I mean like they were high, firm and out to HERE! Too bad she had that broadsword...

Best of WALSTIB
I tried scrubbing...and soaking...but I've still got ring-around-the collar!

Best of Kevin Walker
Saddam took a long-distance guess of the size of Hillary's ass.

Like how I went all serious ABCNews Nightline in the Title? No? Well, screw you! (Ass Press/David Furst)

She Has Found the Purple Banana, Let Us Put Her in the Truck

1. "I don't care if he has beads, I'm not flashing my 'pontoons.' So, tell Senator Kennedy to Shut the Hell Up."

2. Mesmerized by a voodoo priestess, Cynthia McKinney clucked like a chicken for six months, but no one in Congress noticed.

3. "Well, Congressman, why are you not wearing a giant cow placenta on your head?"

4. "Mrs Sheehan, take off that blackface. Your 15 minutes are up."

5. "In the aftermath of Katrina, it was horrible. Men shooting AK-47s while other men rode piggy-back on them, smelly pirate hookers everywhere, tall monuments covered in pink condoms, same-sex marriages, and images of a ghastly man in a tuxedo and his horrid hag of a wife."

6. Democrats on the committee instinctively dove for cover, but Republicans knew it was just an imaginary bow and arrow.

7. "Senator Clinton thanks you for your offer, but she already has a zombie. She calls him 'Chris Matthews.'"

8. "You don't see tiny airplanes buzzing around my head? You're all racists, that's what!"

9. Crazy headgear? Insane rants? Are you with Saddam's defense team by any chance?

10. Senator Durbin called. He wants his hat back.

Best of lawhawk
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. Truth is, I don't even know what the truth is, but I know a great dance move when I see one.

Wave your hands like you just don't care. Like this! See!! I told you that the white man doesn't care!!!

Best of AlphaMu42
He's got huge, sharp... er... He can leap about. Look at the bones!

Best of Prough91
Mama D delivers her whole speech through interpretive beat box.

Best of Van Helsing
A chemical tanning treatment did little to mitigate the ravages of age. Nonetheless, Madonna's singing career continues.

Best of Monk Mojo
"I am queen of the purple people eaters, feel my purpleness!!!"

Best of Attmay
Alfre Woodard is Aunt Jemima in "Flapjacks of Justice," coming in January to Lifetime Movie Network.

Best of Submariner
Why Hillary; how can I tell you you're "the One." Have a cookie...

Demonstration of how the "little people" milk the cows in the merry old land of Oz.

Best of occasional reader
"The racist hurricane struck just as I was in the middle of dancing to 'YMCA'. Now I cannot move my arms. For this, George Bush must pay."

Mama D, N'Orleans whackjob, accuses FEMA of setting up 'Concentration Camps' in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, in testimony before a House Committee. (Roto-REUTERS/Jason Reed)

Come On, Catbat, We Know What Caption This Demands

1. "Pistons Win the NBA Championship!! Pistons Win the NBA CHampionship!!

2. "Yes, yes... use the Force you must!"

3. Grace Jones's kinks include AK-47's and giving piggy-back rides to Miles Davis.

4. "Mee-sa people gonna die?"

5. Not even civil war could disrupt Hakeem and Obidjama's rigorous rehearsal schedule for the World Championship of Ballroom Dancing.

6. "Throwing hand grenades like a girl" was a key factor in the high-rates of casualties among the insurgents.

7. Supporters of Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick celebrate his re-election.

8. "Some honeymoon."

9. "What do you mean, 'Let's rest for a while'? You're turning into a real pussy, Hakeem."

10. "You call that trotting, you fat f**k? Get a move on!"

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
"And now, VH1's Where Are They Now? takes a look at the cast from the 1993 Disney hit Cool Runnings, and how their past success now seems like a distant memory!

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Looter-guy's homies come looking for the trunk-load of beer missing from their cache.

Best of jeff
Come my crippled friend, now is the time we loot!

Best of Tess Turbo
Suddenly, LaKeesha realized she had come to the riot without her AK-47.

Best of Prough91
They're stuck! Hurry, spray water on them!

Best of Van Helsing
Fortunately New Orleans residents no longer need boats to go shopping.

Best of catbat
Guys, shut up. there's nothing wrong with homosexual polygamy*, as long as you're in love !!

Best of Cybrludite
The Pink Pistols unveiled their strategy of recruiting members from the inner city.

From a photoessay at AR15-dot-com. H/T to Cyberludite.

Lurch and Morticia at the Kennedy Center

1. "Morticia, your delicate, feminine, lilac-scented, high-pitched farts make me smile."

2. "Look at that loser, Hef. I bet none of those chicks is worth anywhere near a billion dollars."

3. "Speaking of terrorizing women and children, do you think you could persuade Tuhrayzuh to wear some make-up in public?"

4. "I hate it when people say I look like a cheap whore... I got three Purple Hearts in Vietnam, for goodness sake."

5. "Hey, k.d., how much for a tag-team?"

Best of The Man
Theresa looks like a wet turd in that outfit. (And out of that outfit -- V)

Best of Divine Miss M
Now, now, keep the wet turd dress in perspective. As bad as it is, we can all be thankful Tuhrayzuh doesn't swap clothes with Alexandra. We'd all need to start sleeping with the lights on if we accidently saw a middle-aged dowager in this. www.cinemablend.com/forum/archive/topic/10386-1.html

Best of Cybrludite
So, which one's the smelly pirate hooker?

Best of Son Of The Godfather
When she spoke of raisins soaked in gin, was she referring to this photo?

EEEEEWWWWW!!!... Think of that smelly, wrinkled, ol' dried up vagina... Now think of his wife.

"Yes John, I voted to give you oral, before I voted against it... dumbass."

"Yes, it's true... This man has no dick."

ROTO-REUTERS/Mike Theiler

Scenes from the Kennedy Center

1. "k.d., when the valet called you 'sir,' that was such a turn-on!"

2. "Look at Sullivan holding his elbow after I arm-wrestled him. What a pussy."

3. Smiles are contagious. So are herpes.

4. "k.d., with that haircut, you are detectable even to Soviet-Era gaydar."

5. "Pocket pool? k.d., you are a lesbian's lesbian."

6. "You look just like Will Smith in Wild, Wild, West, ... but more butch."

Best of jeff
Ah, k.d., you're so butch tonight I can almost see a bulge there...

Best of catbat
shut up, you guys! they're in love!

Best of Mussolini
Lt Data tries to fit into the lesbian crowd...

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Can you believe the nerve of that Rosie O'Donnell??? HA HA... I don't have the time OR anything near the amount of flour I'd need!"

Well, here's the obvious one: I am positive they are both pro-bush.


k.d. and mrs lang at the Kennedy Center Honors. (Photo: REUTERS/Mike Theiler )

Amish Nightmare

1. "Okay, Hillary, I found the fuse you blew. I told you the Turkish Mega-Penetrator was designed for European current."

2. Ironically, she was electrocuted after coming home from a Free Tookie!' protest.

3. It says, 'Dear Mom, found your stash. All your buds are belong to us. We learned it from you okay! Ha Ha Ha!'

4. Captain Janeway finds the Borg's Achilles heel; the entire collective was tied into one fusebox.

5. "Let's see... raise the magnetic flux 60%, pull out the fuse for the kitchen lights, and when Grandpa checks the fusebox... Hello inheritence!"

6. "Yes, strictly speaking, the school's fusebox should be shielded. But, frankly, I'm just tryin' to 'chlorinate the gene pool' if you know what I mean."

7. The burst of the Housing Bubble was followed immediately by the 'electrical-short-based arson' bubble.

8. "Crap, if those grow-lights keep blowing the circuit, I'm going to have to switch the growing mushrooms."

Picture legitimately used for editorial purposes from a Photo by ROD SANFORD/Lansing State Journal

I Will Survive, I Will Survive, Hey Hey!

1. "I'm Saddam Hussein and I am reporting for duty!"

2. "I am too being stalked by the ghost of Felicity Kendall. Why won't anyone believe me?"

3. "When we get this syncopated finger-pulling act worked out... watch out Blue Man Group!"

4. "Durka! Durka! Durka! Mohammed! Jihad! Fatwa! Durka! Durka!"

5. "Your honor, I object! The defendant is NOT a little teapot!"

6. "Thinkin' of you's workin' up an appetite/lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight/but the sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite/and the thought of lovin' you is gettin' so excitin'? Sky-y-y-y-y-y-y-y rockets in flight..."

7. "Mein Fuhrer! I can valk!"

8. The Ghost of Christmas Past got herself primo seating in the visitor's gallery.

9. "Look, infidels, as I flip gummy bears into the open mouth of my co-counsel without looking back!"

10. Confident! Confident! Dry and secure!

Best of Monk Mojo
"Seahawks rule!"

Best of Submariner
I'm not only the President of Hair Club for Iraqui's, I'm also President for Life OF all Iraqui's!

The RUBE! The RUBE! The RUBE is on trial!
We don't need dictators, let the Mutha F***er burn!
Burn, Saddam Hussein, BURN!

Best of Anonymous
You can pick the guy behind you and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick the nose of the guy behind you.

Best of Kevin Walker
"And I do not want any images of this being posted on the internet with captions making me out to be homosexual Nazi!"

Best of Occasional Reader
"Oh, sure, you can hit his head with your tossed rings, it's a big enough target, but can you hit my index finger? CAN YOU?!"

Pandaemonium erupted at the Saddam Hussein trial today, after the defendants were informed that V the K had ceased posting "Best Of" listings.

(It was the flu, honest - V )

Best of Son Of The Godfather
"Is anybody else here getting a headache from this flickering flourescent light?"

"I ask the court... Is belly-button lint supposed to smell like this?"

"Behold! The finger I use to penetrate Ramsey Clark on a daily basis!"

"First, we're gonna gas the Kurds in the North! Then, we'll torture dissenters in the South! We'll take it to the East! Then the West!.... YEEEEEEARGH!"

"Everyone knew Clay Aiken was superior to Ruben Studdard!... EVERYONE!"

"And if I am re-elected Dictator of Iraq, I promise to make 'George Takei Coming-Out Day' a national holiday!"

Best of Van Helsing
"Someone let a bird into the courtroom! It just crapped on my head!"

Additional captions (hopefully, no repeaters) at El Reporto del Jawa.

Come Here, Ya Big Rino

1. "All right, who gave the Senator Ecstasy?"

2. "This Axe Effect crap has gone too far!"

3. "Kobe, over here, slam it right into the back of his big RINO head."

4. Karaoke renditions of "Sometimes When We Touch" always have this effect on Senator McCain.

5. "Andrew Sullivan's endorsement in 2008 --- in the bag!"

6. "Don't worry, I'll get us out of here. Hold on tight while I fire the Bat-Grappling Hooks from my utility belt."

7. "Yeah, well, Cheney kicks me in the balls twice a day, but you don't see me cryin' about it."

8. "Well, I think we've made a big breakthrough in group today. Senator Brownback, how do you feel about Senator McCain's bedwetting?"

9. "Do I look like I need a hug? Get the f**k away from me!"

10. "Well, that's great for McCain, Rumsfeld thought. "But, what about my needs?

Best of Jonathan Leffingwell
Andrew Sullivan's alarm clock went off, thus interrupting his homoerotic dream before it had a chance to go any further.

Best of Van Helsing
"If I find a snot streak on this shirt, I'm sending Condi to kick your ass."

Best of ColoradoPatriot
"MMM...McCain happy!"

Laura must have started using Febreze

Best of Submariner
It's ok, George. Grandma thinks I'm getting stoned...

Best of catbat
shut up, you guys. they're in love.

Best of Son Of The Godfather
Secret Service: "He's got ahold of the president!... McCain/Manchurian Candidate scenario! Take 'im down! I repeat, TAKE HIM DOWN!"

"I know it was you, Fredo..."

Taken from SondraK at Knowledge Is Power.

Water Hazard

1. "Do we have enough water to wash the stain of original sin from my soul, yet?"

2. "Dad, this isn't technically 'watersports.'

3. "Dad, when you said you were going to drown your sorrows, I thought you meant drinking binge. I didn't know you meant mom and Grandma. Cool!"

4. "But I don't want to give Michael Moore an enema."

5. "Hand to God, dad, all I'm doing in my bedroom with the door locked is watching French News."

6. "Will these bottles be enough to hold the blood from all the sacrifices?"

7. "I still don't understand why you need to take a bottle of my urine into work, dad."

8. "So, you were all fixed to drown me in the well because 'God' told you to, but now he told you not to so you won't? I have three words for you Abraham: 'Child Protective Services.'"

I got this one from Excite News/ AP Photo/ Yuri Sizov

Down the Tube

1. "Walk toward the light!"

2. "Hm, a brief thrill at the top and then straight down the tube... kinda like Jessica Simpson's career."

3. "But I don't want to play in Michael Moore's colon anymore!"

4. "Whoa! Dad, caught ya right in the groin!"

5. "Whew, shouldn't have stopped for that Big Gulp on the way here. Guess this is a water slide now."

6. "Now, watch as I proceed from the epididymis through the vas deferens..."

7. "Number 2? Frau Farbissina? You all look so much younger in 1969!"

8. "No, it's my turn to be Lemmiwinks!"

9. A young French child undergoes military training.

10. "Yeah, I am pretty ambiguous in this picture. No wonder you couldn't decide whether to go for the Michael Jackson reference, or the Hugh Hefner reference."


From: Yar

Behold the Wonders of Elective Surgery

1. "Ho-Ho-Ho!" Hef wasn't wishing anyone a Merry Christmas, he was just counting.

2. I count seven boobs in this picture, how 'bout you?

3. Q. Why would a billionaire shack up with three chicks whose combined ages don't equal his own? A. Picking 'em up on a street corner is just too much trouble.

4. "In the evenings, we play backgammon and debate the relevance of Rosa Luxemburg's radicalism to modern... aw, who am I kidding? I bury my head in their pontoons and make motorboat noises."

5. Yeah, and in about 70 years, they'll all look like this.

6. "We just discovered that Stormee began kindergarten the exact same day I began collecting social security, ain't that somethin'?"

7. After Hef's sudden death, scientists discovered that peroxide and silicone produce a potent carcinogen when combined with Vi@gr@.

8. "Larry, if you want the 'goods,' you gotta know where to 'shop.' I like to hang out outside support groups for girls who were molested by their grandpas.

9. "Larry, I am proud of what Playboy has done for women's rights, and so are these three bimbos whom I'll discard as soon as I land younger bimbos with bigger pontoons."

10. On the weekends, by contrast, Hefner turns his attention to kids, geezers, and wholesome Americana.

11. "Come on, Larry, you know you want to pull it. What are you, uptight or something?"

12. "For Christmas, I got each of them fur-lined Japanese panties to keep their ankles warm."

CNN/Rose M. Prouser If this isn't Editorial Use, I don't know what is.

Theme, Once Again, Andrew Sullivan's Subconscious

1. Constructed in 2046, the Clinton Monument quickly became more popular than the Washington Monument.

2. Let me guess, the Million Man Prance is in town.

3. I am starting to have doubts about whether the King Kong remake is suitable for children.

4. "Wow, that's gotta be the biggest prick in America... not counting Michael Newdow."

5. The theme of this year's Afro-American Pride Celebration: "Stickin' it to Whitey!"

Photo Acknowledgement: REUTERS/Enrique Marcarian

Because he can

1. "What is it about, uppity, frigid women, cold and dark like a winter that kills the strongest of men that makes them so damned irresistible?"

2. "Hey, fellas, look what I found outside that gamers convention?"

3. "Woooo-eee, look at those women go at it. I could for a spanking, too."

4. "Don't worry, darlin' Hillary and I have an 'understanding.' She doesn't mind if you cheat on her with me."

5. "You like the gown, baby? It used to belong to George Stephanopoulos."

6. "Yadda yadda, Germany's most prestigious award, whatever. Do I have to stay through dinner or can I just get a quick sucky-sucky in the ladies room then go back to my hotel and watch some weird, raunchy, East-European p0rn?"

7. "... see, Hillary thinks being a widow would make her a much more sympathetic candidate in '08 and she agreed to pardon some Gambinos once she's elected, so, long story short, do you mind startin' the car for me sweetheart? Thanks, sugar."

8. "And I brought plenty of twenties, so there better be a whole lotta table dancing tonight."

9. Bill thought her nickname, 'Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS' was pretty hot. Little did he expect the horrors that awaited him back at her East Berlin penthouse.

10. "What's a nice girl like you doing married to a guy with a name like Hubert Fartwrangler?"

Photo acknowledgement: Ass Press/ Christophe Stache (What the Hell kind of name is Christophe Stache? Sounds like the featured attraction at one of those 'Gentlemen's Clubs' Andrew Sullivan frequents that the city of DC is tearing down to build a new baseball stadium) on a tip from Mr. Bix.