Caption This!

Spot the Turkey

2009-12-04T04:54:00.000-05:00

Brender
1. "No, genius-who-believes-his-own-ridiculous-hype, you just pardoned the turkey, you didn't 'ressurect' him."

2. The turkey wears the "WTF is wrong with this idiot?" expression common to those meeting Obama in person for the first time.

3. They didn't know how the hypnotism worked, but five minutes later, the turkey was screaming "Yes we can!"

4. "I hereby pardon this turkey. It's not halal anyway."

5. "Forget the turkey, which one of you guys knocked up the ten year old girl in the background?"

From the 'Women Who May Have Just Farted' Collection

2009-12-03T09:18:00.000-05:00

And then the Danish Troll's Head Exploded

2009-12-03T09:05:00.002-05:00

This is suitable for desktop wallpaper... if you work for David Letterman.

Amazon Woman with Big Pointy Spear

2009-12-02T12:39:00.004-05:00

1. As his cameo in Amazon Invasion of the Suburbs clearly indicates, Matt LeBlanc will take whatever work he can get these days.

2. Each successive explanation of how Tiger Woods got his injuries strains credulity even further.

3. A young Robert Reich is humiliated at the javelin throw by a petite underclass female.

4. One comment about arm-flab later: Instant dub-kebobs.

5. k.d. lang just wanted her ultra-long vibrator back.

Don't you hate it when this guy sits next to EVERYBODY on the plane

2009-12-02T08:28:00.001-05:00

Julie the Jarhead

1. Stung by criticism for his use of private jets, Al Gore flies coach to Copenhagen.

2. "Let's say these coach class seats represent tax revenue and this fat guy represents Federal spending during the Bush years. Now, put that guy in every seat in coach, and you realize how much worse Obama's spending is."

3. "Look, dude, it's bad enough you're ginormous. Do you have to pleasure yourself on the arm rest?"

4. Eyewitnesses on the ground would report that the aircraft was pitched up with its engines straining prior to the crash.

5. "But how can Han Solo pay you back if he's encased in carbonite?"

Ang Lee, What Have You Done This Time?

2009-12-01T11:51:00.001-05:00

Shayne
1. When asked why she picked this costume for her BF, Latrina replied, "Because he's faster than a speeding bullet, that's for damn sure."

2. In 1982, a young Adam Sandler and a flaming Lionel Richie crossed paths in a Secaucus Mall.

3. Who would have thought this happy young man would go on to be First Lady of the United States.

4. "Is this the right place for the 'slimy perv' meetup?"

5. He can foil everything but a Kryptonite bike lock.

More Love From My Stalker-Troll

2009-12-01T11:13:00.004-05:00

I really wonder how you reconcile your Mormonism with your unabashed and repressed horniness. Wonder if old Joe Smith would approve of the slimy perv you've become.

How can horniness be unabashed and repressed at the same time?

A Nice Bare Chested Blond

2009-12-01T06:26:00.001-05:00

1. "Army of Mom, are you trying to seduce me?"

2. Army of Mom inspects the new Aryan Male Model Manbot.

3. "The measuring tape isn't for your sleeves. You must be new at this."

4. CNN can't be doing too bad if Anderson Cooper can afford new interns.

5. "Well, you could fist Andrew Sullivan with that, but I've seen him take gorillas. Honest-to-God lowland gorillas."

OMG, No Way!

2009-11-30T09:36:00.004-05:00

Sondra K

1. Unfortunately, he had no choice. The Teleprompter said, "Raise your glass with the napkin still attached like some frickin' retard."

2. "What the hell is wrong with this idiot?" Prime Minister Singh wondered silently.

3. It's actually worse than it looks, the adhesive holding the napkin to the glass is one of Dear Leader's boogers.

4. And as soon as he returned from the bathroom, the president raised a toast.

5. "And I'd like to raise a toast to the draperies section at KMart, in honor of M'Chel's dress."

Best of jeff
L'chaim!

Best of Passionate Conservative
I'll have to raise my glass in a, uh, um, toast....hey, just what the f*ck is that thing on your head? I've always wanted to know...

Best of Vinney
"I'm a Dominic the Great. No applause please. Save it for the end."

Best of Unscrupulous
In honor of my new Vegan friends, I am announcing, effective immediately, the shipment of 10,000 sides of beef to help feed the poor in the great and honorable country of Vega.

What? Too little?

Best of GregMan
Barry wins "Phone Rep Of The Year", presented by the Vice-President in charge of Dell Technical Support.

Best of GregMan
Suddenly it became all the rage in Hollywood, universities, and main stream media offices across the land to attach little pieces of toilet paper to the glasse when having a drink.

Best of Submariner
"...for the brothers that are no longer with us..."

Best of Jay Guevara
"I salute you, sir! Your 7-11 has the very best Slurpees in the world!"

Best of Matt the K
"See, look, my glass has a turban too, just li-- ah damn, came unwrapped."

Granny and Jethro

2009-11-30T04:59:00.004-05:00

Brender
1. "There's nothing to be afraid of, grandma. It's just a bus with a suspiciously high clearance."

2. ORA: The little Bushman couldn't figure out how the hell this idiot had been elected. The Gods Must Indeed Be Crazy.

3. "For the last time you friggin' moron, I am NOT Aretha Franklin."

4. "Never mind Matt Lauer, Grandma. He just loves to smell my shoulders."

5. "It's just lucky I always wear 'Oops I crapped my pants' brand adult diapers." "Shut up, Barry. Nobody cares."

Best of metalgarth
Will you make me a waffle that I can eat in peace, Aunt J.?

Best of eat me
Boy, don't that wife of yours know how to iron shirts?

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Thanks to the tireless efforts of the revamped FEMA, Flip Wilson was discovered alive and well and living in a Louisiana mangrove swamp under the nom de plume, Auntie Geraldine.

Best of Jay Guevara
"Nah, don't worry about it, it's perfect. Just the thing to wear the conferment of a posthumous Medal of Honor. I'd have worn my aloha shirt, but it's in the laundry."

Best of jeff
"You never call, you never write, you never deposit millions into my bank account...."
"Shut up, Grandma."

Best of Kaptain Krude
"And as I stop here dramatic pause to celebrate this woman's look directly into the cameras rich tapestry of life experiences, I am struck by continue walking the overwhelming watch for dog shit on ground efforts of our fellow citizens fake sympathetic smile."

Best of Matt the K
The Autobiography of Miss Jane Bushman

Best of mega
Even Sheila Jackson Lee couldn't muster a smile at the post-West Point unity photo op.

Retro Saturday

2009-11-28T11:42:00.003-05:00

1. "I warn you, this obsession with Bob Crane can only end in tears."

2. "Come on, Courtney Love. Loosen up a little. Try some weed. What's the worst that could happen?"

3. "Love your new LPGA haircut Denise!"

4. "Harok-Ptui!"

5. "A human pituitary gland... for me?"

Best of dub
Look a deal is a deal... $1.75 for a handjob.

Best of dadoctah
"We welcome any contribution, no matter how small, to our research. Some day, god willing, we'll be able to thaw your late husband's frozen head and cure whatever it was that killed him."

Best of blue
And if I put these aspirin in her coke she will lose her inhibitions.....

Best of mega
Now, Ann, you should marry a white man such as this, not that Kenyan. Otherwise, your children will face a lifetime of prejudice, hardship, and berzerk crowds of hippies chanting "Yes we can!".

Best of Jay Guevara
The inventor of roofies conducts his first clinical trial.

Best of Mr. Hankey
A young Nancy Pelosi learns that she doesn't have to understand where the money comes from, only that she can take it away from Billy.

You don't have to remember the 70's, we're reliving them.

2009-11-27T22:49:00.001-05:00

Divine Miss M

Best of Matt the K
So these things will make me ghey AND retarded?! Yaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!!

Best of dadoctah
"How come big sister is always using the Sky-sicle mold?"

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
According to Advertising Weekly, sky-scicle sales jumped 2744% when they began running that ad in Playgirl and on San Francisco trolleys.

Best of dub
Billy: The motor sicle tickles my tongue.
Bruce: Well you should see what the sky sicle does to my prostate.

Best of ????
It goes without saying that the kid in the advertisement could not live with the shame and killed himself in the '80s.

I CAN HAS NECK?

2009-11-27T12:00:00.002-05:00

1. Billy couldn't show his face after admitting he liked Twilight.

2. One of Beeker's many bastard sons went on to be a state MVP running back.

3. "OK, let's review once again why we block with our shoulders."

4. Billy's fetish for the smell of his own body funk became all-consuming.

5. "That wedgy was completely unnecessary Mr. Favre!"

Best of dadoctah
Head not necessary for athletic scholarship.

Best of mega
For the third consecutive Christmas, Billy's friends chipped in to buy him a necktie, continuing the humiliating in-joke well past the point of good taste.

Best of mega
"The new, um, uniforms fit, um, perfectly, and we are ah, pleased to pay the SEIU $2,500 for making each and every one of them." Coach chose his words carefully as Rahm stood in the back of the room, arms folded.

Best of Jack Reacher
It was clear that Billy would have a successful career as a federal "watchdog."

Best of Rodney Dill
Ned absolutely hated when One-Ichabod-44-Left was called.

Best of Matt the K
Ram-man had words with Coach Skeletor after seeing his son benched yet again.

Best of Rodney Dill
New FullBack for the Maryland Terps

The Crack of Dawn

2009-11-27T01:41:00.002-05:00

1. "Yes, Rick, I noticed your new thong. No, I'm still not interested."

2. "I'm not one of them fancy metrosexuals, but what I lack in imagination, I make up in sheer savage animal lust. More coffee?"

3. "It all began with the usual crude cat-calls. Next thing I know, I gots her naked in the back of my truck and we're swappin' underwear."

4. "I notice you are wearing a ladies thong. May I ask what you thought of the new Twilight movie?"

5. The Village People and Men At Work combine for a reunion tour.

Best of
"I'm wearing it to punish myself for voting for Obama."

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
After Playtex captured a major share of the obese male demographic with their Cross Your Heart Manssiere, Hane's began targeting plumbers and construction workers with a line of No ButtCracks for Him thongs.

Best of dadoctah
This is stage one of Frank's transition. Next week he starts the hormone injections.

Best of blue
Adam Lambert looks in the mirror & sees his future

Best of eat me
Hey Ralph, I see you got one of those new fangled inflatable jock straps...how dey hanging?

Best of Adriane
Bob, I'm OK with you wearing a thong. I'm OK with you wearing a thong that really isn't your size or color. But where do you get off telling me that drinking Starbucks is for queers!?!

This Came Up During My Google Search for "Sexy Pilgrim"

2009-11-26T11:11:00.000-05:00

Alas, My Google Search for 'Sexy Pilgrim' Produced Unsatisfactory Results

2009-11-26T11:08:00.000-05:00

Cheers

2009-11-26T10:02:00.000-05:00

AosHQ

Kids and Their Beatdowns

2009-11-25T09:21:00.002-05:00

Brender

1. "Just say it right and the beatings will stop! 'Barack Hussein Obama! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!'" Future Community Organizers of America haze a new recruit.

2. "Oh, sure. Now, you cry. But in kindergarten sex ed, you took a full-on donkey punch like a pro."

3. Barney Frank's Google search for "young boys beating off" produces a mildly satisfactory result.

4. "Yeah, right, like your brother the quarterback can even hear your screams for help."

5. "I like his fighting spirit," Angelina told the orphanage worker. "Put him on the call-back list."

Best of Passionate Conservative
Buddy Rich, the early years...

Best of Passionate Conservative
"...thank you sir, may I have another?...thank you sir, may I have another?...thank you sir, may I have another?..."

Best of Oiao
"Barry! Listen! Always bow TOWARDS Mecca! Got it!"

Best of metalgarth
Rock Band: Third World Ghetto edition was the moment when the series "jumped the shark"

Best of Submariner
A moment later, little Sammy Davis Jr. turned his head to the left and lost an eye, just like his Momma said he would...

Best of blue
if your bombs do not go off and you are captured by the Americans say that they did this to you while in their custody.....

Best of Rodney Dill
Todd Rundgren as a child

Best of molson
No! No virgins for you! You haven't even been blown up yet.

Weird Science

2009-11-25T06:29:00.006-05:00

Sondra K

1. "That's what dub considers too fat? Dayum!"

2. "Oh! I know! Use a Men in Black reference. Those always make the 'Best ofs'."

3. Sure, they're laughing now, but the next day, Icanhascheezburger was shut down by the Justice Department for 'racist insensitivity to Ebonics users.'

4. "Yeah, I guess my wife sorta does look like a Klingon."

5. "OK, you've got the angle right, but according to 'chinesebowing.com' you have to hold your hands at the sides to indicate complete submission."

Best of metalgarth
"She is known to pick her nose and eat her boogers"
Anybody else have something to add to Sarah Palin's Wikipedia page?

Best of paul
Shall we play a game?
How about Global Thermonuclear War?

Best of Passionate Conservative
OK, Bowing to the computer was going WAY too far.

Best of dadoctah
"Man, I used to just *love* Rick Astley!"

Best of Jay Guevara
Obama: "I dunno, I don't think that SNL skit is that funny."

Best of Submariner
No, Mr. President; It's Michael Dorn, not Muh'chel...

Best of Carpe Phlogiston
Okay, I've hacked into the NSA email sniffer again... let's check out Barney Frank's holiday order from Twinks R Us, then we can read more of Biden's love notes to the German Chancellor.

Best of mega
"Haha, my man, that is some funky-ass climate data."

Best of dadoctah
The Men Who Stare At Goatse.

Adam Lambert Sets Back Gay Rights 20 years

2009-11-24T08:43:00.001-05:00

1. Adam should have known better than to perform with a drag queen who called herself 'Queef Richards.'

2. If you came of age in the 80s, it's probably best not to let your kids see your prom pictures.

3. Never send a drag queen and a sissy with too much eyeliner to fix a warp core breach.

4. "This is mine! This is where my babies come from!"

5. "Hair gel? I make my own."

Best of racerboy
So that's what Johnny Weir's been up to...

Best of molson
Oh that's where my cell got to.

Best of Matt the K
"Ewww! Ewww!! EWWWWWW!!!!! Now I'm gonna have to boil my fingers!"

Best of Kaptain Krude
WORST. SOAP DISPENSER. EVER.

Best of dadoctah
It took a few years, but Miley finally found a way to fully incorporate Billy Ray into her stage show.

Katie Couric Makes Ipecac Superfluous

2009-11-24T07:39:00.003-05:00

1. "Aunt Katie, you always dance dirty whenever they play 'Doll Parts.' Is there something about your lost weekend with Courtney Love you're not telling us?"

2. "You can stop dancing, Katie. That 'news report' that Glenn Beck has terminal butt cancer turned out to be another DailyKos internet hoax."

3. "Now, normally, the 'top-girl' would be wearing a strap on..." Little Jenny regrets asking Katie Couric about her days at Sarah Lawrence.

4. After trying for 45 minutes, Katie finally had to admit she didn't know how to do the French Mistake.

5. "Hey, kid, your mom and I would like some grown-up time. Why don't you go to the movies or something?"
Best of Vinney
Remember that piece I did on clononoscopies? My butt has never been the same since then.

Best of Jack Reacher
In her defense, the kids did ask how she got her job.

Best of Unscrupulous
"I've always tried to do a really good job every day, with each interview, and make the person I'm speaking with feel comfortable... Now smack my ass you nasty ho!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Upon seeing the orb of her dead husband in the TV screen, Katie does a bump & grind routine while her daughter pulls the chakra from her hips in an attempt to communicate with the dead.

Best of Kaptain Krude
"Help us, Obama-won Kenobi. You're our last hope."

Best of dadoctah
"You'll have to excuse Katie. She just saw the Levi Johnston spread and her knees buckled."

Best of Submariner
"Bark for me, monkey woman..."

Smirking Butthead

2009-11-23T11:04:00.002-05:00

1. "A salute, how cute. Now down on your knees and kneel before your god!"

2. "Nice ass."

3. Valium enemas keep you smiling even while your country collapses around you.

4. Crystal Meth: The Fresh Maker

5. In Andrew Sullivan's fantasy, the action goes a lot further.

Best of Army of Dad
"Sir, the door is to your right, the window is to your left."

Best of Passionate Conservative
You were in the Village People, right?

Best of Jay Guevara
"Dayum! I got honkies salutin' me!"

Best of Mr. Hankey
Ha Ha, I didn't say Simon Says.

Tae Kwan Dork

2009-11-23T09:16:00.003-05:00

Brender

1. "I had no idea Klingon females enjoyed being fisted."

2. "I see limp posturing coupled by weakness. Your opponents laugh at your attempts to feign strength and resolve. But enough about your foreign policy..."

3. "When I think about the lack of skin in New Moon, I just get so angry! Soetero Hulk, um, SMASH!"

4. "You could have just asked for arugula, you didn't have to deck the waitress."

5. "Well, you've mastered the 'float like a butterfly' part."

Best of GregMan
"...and then Frank Marshall Davis did this to me!"

Best of metalgarth
WORST. MORTAL KOMBAT. SEQUEL. EVER

Best of Army of Dad
Kung Pow President, now with 75% less Pow!

Best of Passionate Conservative
All you American Politicians know how to do is shop and spend money...

Best of dadoctah
If Jim Kelly and Bruce Lee have let themselves go like this, I don't even want to *know* what John Saxon looks like.

A Low Hanging Slow Pitch

2009-11-21T13:59:00.004-05:00

Weasel Zippers

1. "Darn it all to heck! I pay you guys to keep the zombies away from me!"

2. "Who let the dogs out?" Sarah Palin wasn't singing, she had just noticed that Andrea Mitchell and Meredith Viera were in the house.

3."Oh, I don't think about it much, but I guess if two fellas did wanna have sex, it would work kinda like this..."

4. "I can tell by the goo in her hair that Ms. Mitchall has just scored another interview with Barack Obama."

5. "Is that the stink of death on you, Andrea? Or just MSNBC's ratings?"

Best of Passionate Conservative
See Andrea Mitchell. See Andrea Mitchell cop a feel. Feel Andrea Feel. See Rachel Maddow go ballistic.
Can you say ballistic? I knew you could!

Best of prince of leaves
"Oh, there goes that Andrea, wearing the same outfit as me again! I hear M'Chel has the same trouble with dominatrixes and old sofas.

Best of Adriane
Oh Lord, M. Night Shyamalan filming funeral sequences again.

Best of dadoctah
"For your own safety, ma'am, please do not look directly at Her Palincy."

Did you hear something?

2009-11-21T10:02:00.002-05:00

1. "Sounds like those faggots from Glee are singing 'Single Ladies' again."

2. "If your quarterback can't resist the urge to vogue at the start of every play, you can look forward to an 0-11 season" --- Football for the Modern Coach, p. 127.

3. "The people in the stands appear to be urging me to 'Run!' and 'Score!' I hadn't considered those options previously, but now it all seems so clear what I should do."

4. "Rich Rodriguez is talking to the coach about recruiting me. Dammit, were can I fumble this thing?"

5. "What's that noise? It sounds like Charlie Weis crying into a huge bucket of ribs."

Best of Matt the K
Coach took advantage of Johnny's paranoid schizophrenia by planting a tiny 'God's Voice' speaker in his helmet.

Best of Kaptain Krude
This new Heisman pose seems to lack a certain something.

Best of divine miss m
"5...6...7...8...STEP, step, HOP, Kick, TURN 2...3...KICK..."

Best of Steve O
Northville High School senior listens for any signs of a pass defense in their scrimmage with the Detroit Lions.

Best of Silhouette
Lois made extra money by betting on the opposing team and quietly crying "Help, Superman!" during crucial plays.

Best of GregMan
Todd surprised everyone by successfully combining his love of Broadway show tunes with football.

Best of molson
Oh how I hope Adam Lambert is so checking me out.